WITH   LIZZIE 


IRVING  BACHELLER 


M. 


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[See  page  62 


A      DUEL      Wltk  '  AUTOMOBILES 


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HARPER  &  BROTHERS  PUBLISHERS 

NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 

M  C  M  X  I 


COPYRIGHT.    1910.    1911.   BY    HARPER    &    BROTHERS 

PRINTED   IN   THE    UNITED    STATES   OF    AMERICA 
PUBLISHED    MARCH.    1911 


63 


TO 
THE   LOVING   AND   BELOVED 

"MR.    ONEDEAR" 
DEDICATE  THIS   LITTLE  BOOK 


495779 


CONTENTS 


CHAP. 

I.  IN   WHICH  THE   LEADING  TRADESMEN 

OF  POINTVIEW  BECOME  A  BOARD 

OP  ASSESSORS i 

II.  IN   WHICH   LIZZIE   RETURNS   TO   HER 

HOME,  HAVING  MET  A  QUEEN  AND 
ACQUIRED  AN  ACCENT  AND  A 
FIANCE 30 

III.  IN   WHICH   LIZZIE   DESCENDS   FROM   A 

GREAT  HEIGHT        .......       49 

IV.  IN   WHICH    THE    HAM   WAR    HAS    ITS 

BEGINNING 74 

V.  IN   WHICH  LIZZIE  EXERTS  AN  INFLU 

ENCE  ON  THE  AFFAIRS  OF  THE 
RICH  AND  GREAT  82 

VI.  IN    WHICH    THE    PURSUIT    OF    LIZZIE 

BECOMES  HIGHLY  SERIOUS       .     .     130 

VII.  IN  WHICH  THE  HONORABLE  SOCRATES 

POTTER  CATCHES  UP  WITH  LIZZIE     149 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

A  DUEL  WITH  AUTOMOBILES  ....  Frontispiece 
WITH  HIS  MIND  ON  THE  SUBJECT  OF 

EXTRAVAGANCE  Facing  p.       4 

"SEVEN  DOLLARS  A  BARREL"      ..."  6 

"l  WANTED  YE  TO  TELL  MR.  POTTER 

ABOUT  YER  TRAVELS,"  SAYS  SAM  .  "  32 

LIZZIE  DROPPED  INTO  A  CHAIR  AN*  BE 
GAN  TO  CRY  "  52 

BILL  AN'  I  GOT  TOGETHER  OFTEN  AN? 

TALKED  OF  THE  OLD  HAPPY  DAYS  .  "  Q2 

WE  SET  OUT  FOR  A  TRAMP  OVER  THE 

BIG  FARM *'  IOO 

"I'M  A  CANDIDATE  FOR  NEW  HONORS"  "  106 
THREE  DAYS  LATER  I  DROVE  TO  THE 

VILLA "  H2 

THE  BOY  EXERTED  HIS  CHARMS  UPON 

MY  LADY  WARBURTON "  114 

SHE  LED  US  INTO  THE  BEDROOM  ...  "  124 

THEIR  EYES  WERE  WIDE  WITH  WONDER  "  142 


KEEPING    UP  WITH    LIZZIE 


KEEPING    UP  WITH 
LIZZIE 


IN    WHICH    THE    LEADING   TRADESMEN 

OP   POINTVIEW    BECOME   A   BOARD 

OF  ASSESSORS 

THE  Honorable  Socrates  Potter 
was  the  only  "scientific  man" 
in  the  village  of  Pointview,  Connecti 
cut.  In  every  point  of  manhood  he 
was  far  ahead  of  his  neighbors.  In 
a  way  he  had  outstripped  himself, 
for,  while  his  ideas  were  highly  mod 
ern,  he  clung  to  the  dress  and  man 
ners  that  prevailed  in  his  youth.  He 
wore  broadcloth  every  day,  and  a 
i 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

choker,  and  chewed  tobacco,  and 
never  permitted  his  work  to  in 
terfere  with  the  even  tenor  of  his 
conversation.  He  loved  the  old  times 
and  fashions,  and  had  a  drawling 
tongue  and  often  spoke  in  the  dialect 
of  his  fathers,  loving  the  sound  of  it. 
His  satirical  mood  was  sure  to  be 
flavored  with  clipped  words  and 
changed  tenses.  The  stranger  often 
took  him  for  a  "hayseed,"  but  on 
further  acquaintance  opened  his 
mouth  in  astonishment,  for  Soc.  Pot 
ter,  as  many  called  him,  was  a  man 
of  insight  and  learning  and  of  a  qual 
ity  of  wit  herein  revealed.  He  used 
to  call  himself  "an  attorney  and 
peacemaker,"  but  he  was  more  than 
that.  He  was  the  attorney  and  friend 
of  all  his  clients,  and  the  philoso 
pher  of  his  community.  If  one  man 
threatened  another  with  the  law  in 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

that  neighborhood,  he  was  apt  to  do 
it  in  these  terms,  "  We'll  see  what 
Soc.  Potter  has  to  say  about  that." 

"All  right!  We'll  see,"  the  other 
would  answer,  and  both  parties  would 
be  sure  to  show  up  at  the  lawyer's 
office.  Then,  probably,  Socrates  would 
try  his  famous  lock-and-key  expedient. 
He  would  sit  them  down  together,  lock 
the  door,  and  say,  "  Now,  boys,  I  don't 
believe  in  getting  twelve  men  for  a 
job  that  two  can  do  better,"  and  gen 
erally  he  would  make  them  agree. 

He  had  an  office  over  the  store  of 
Samuel  Henshaw,  and  made  a  spe 
cialty  of  deeds,  titles,  epigrams,  and 
witticisms. 

He  was  a  bachelor  who  called  now 
and  then  at  the  home  of  Miss  Betsey 
Smead,  a  wealthy  spinster  of  Point- 
view,  but  nothing  had  ever  come  of  it. 

He  sat  with  his  feet  on  his  desk 
3 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

and  his  mind  on  the  subject  of  ex 
travagance.  When  he  was  doing  busi 
ness  he  sat  like  other  men,  but  when 
his  thought  assumed  a  degree  of  el 
evation  his  feet  rose  with  it.  He 
began  his  story  by  explaining  that  it 
was  all  true  but  the  names. 

"This  is  the  balloon  age/'  said  he, 
with  a  merry  twinkle  in  his  gray  eyes. 
"The  inventor  has  led  us  into  the 
skies.  The  odor  of  gasoline  is  in  the 
path  of  the  eagle.  Our  thoughts  are 
between  earth  and  heaven;  our  prices 
have  followed  our  aspirations  in  the 
upward  flight.  Now  here  is  Sam 
Henshaw.  Sam?  Why,  he's  a  mer 
chant  prince  o'  Pointview  —  grocery 
business — had  a  girl — name  o'  Lizzie 
—smart  and  as  purty  as  a  wax  doll. 
Dan  Pettigrew,  the  noblest  flower  o' 
the  young  manhood  o'  Pointview,  fell 
in  love  with  her.  No  wonder.  We 
4 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

were  all  fond  o'  Lizzie.  They  were 
a  han'some  couple,  an'  together  about 
half  the  time. 

"Well,  Sam  began  to  aspire,  an' 
nothing  would  do  for  Lizzie  but  the 
Smythe  school  at  Hardcastle  at  sev 
en  hundred  dollars  a  year.  So  they 
rigged  her  up  splendid,  an'  away  she 
went.  From  that  day  she  set  the 
pace  for  this  community.  Dan  had 
to  keep  up  with  "Lizzie,  and  so  his 
father,  Bill  Pettigrew,  sent  him  to 
Harvard.  Other  girls  started  in  the 
race,  an'  the  first  we  knew  there  was 
a  big  field  in  this  maiden  handicap. 

"Well,  Sam  had  been  aspirin'  for 
about  three  months,  when  he  began 
to  perspire.  The  extras  up  at  Hard- 
castle  had  exceeded  his  expectations. 
He  was  goin'  a  hot  pace  to  keep  up 
with  Lizzie,  an'  it  looked  as  if  his 
morals  was  meltin'  away. 
5 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"  I  was  in  the  northern  part  o'  the 
county  one  day,  an*  saw  some  wonder 
ful,  big,  red,  tasty  apples. 

" '  What  ye  doin'  with  yer  apples  ?' 
says  I  to  the  grower. 

111  I've  sent  the  most  of  'em  to 
Samuel  Henshaw,  o'  Point  view,  an' 
he's  sold  'em  on  commission,'  says  he. 

" '  What  do  ye  get  for  'em  ?'  I  asked. 

"'Two  dollars  an'  ten  cents  a  bar 
rel,'  says  he. 

"  The  next  time  I  went  into  Sam's 
store  there  were  the  same  red  apples 
that  came  out  o'  that  orchard  in  the 
northern  part  o'  the  county. 

"'How  much  are  these  apples?' 
I  says. 

" '  Seven  dollars  a  barrel,'  says  Sam. 

" '  How  is  it  that  you  get  seven  dol 
lars  a  barrel  an'  only  return  two  dol 
lars  an'  ten  cents  to  the  grower?'  I 
says. 

6 


SEVEN       DOLLARS      A       BARREL 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"Sam  stuttered  an'  changed  color. 
I'd  been  his  lawyer  for  years,  an'  I 
always  talked  plain  to  Sam. 

"'Wai,  the  fact  is,'  says  he,  with 
a  laugh  an'  a  wink,  'I  sold  these 
apples  to  my  clerk.' 

"'Sam,  ye're  wastin'  yer  talents/  I 
says.  '  Go  into  the  railroad  business.' 

"Sam  was  kind  o'  shamefaced. 
' '  It  costs  so  much  to  live  I  have 
to  make  a  decent  profit  somewhere,' 
says  he.     'If  you  had  a  daughter  to 
educate,  you'd  know  the  reason.' 

"  I  bought  a  bill  o'  goods,  an' 
noticed  that  ham  an'  butter  were  up 
two  cents  a  pound,  an'  flour  four  cents 
a  sack,  an'  other  things  in  proportion. 
I  didn't  say  a  word,  but  I  see  that 
Sam  proposed  to  tax  the  community 
for  the  education  o'  that  Lizzie  girl. 
Folks  began  to  complain,  but  the  tax 
on  each  wasn't  heavy,  an'  a  good 
7 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

many  people  owed  Sam  an'  wasn't  in 
shape  to  quit  him.  Then  Sam  had 
the  best  store  in  the  village,  an'  every 
body  was  kind  o'  proud  of  it.  So  we 
stood  this  assessment  o'  Sam's,  an' 
by  a  general  tax  paid  for  the  educa 
tion  o'  Lizzie.  She  made  friends,  an' 
sailed  around  in  automobiles,  an'  spent 
a  part  o'  the  Christmas  holidays  with 
the  daughter  o'  Mr.  Beverly  Gottrich 
on  Fifth  Avenue,  an'  young  Beverly 
Grottrich  brought  her  home  in  his  big 
red  runabout.  Oh,  that  was  a  great 
day  in  Pointview ! — that  red-runabout 
day  of  our  history  when  the  pitcher 
was  broken  at  the  fountain  and  they 
that  looked  out  of  the  windows 
trembled. 

"Dan   Pettigrew  was  home   from 

Harvard  for  the  holidays,  an'  he  an' 

Lizzie  met  at  a  church  party.     They 

held  their  heads  very  high,  an'  seemed 

8 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

to  despise  each  other  an*  everybody 
else.  Word  went  around  that  it  was 
all  off  between  'em.  It  seems  that 
they  had  riz — not  risen,  but  riz — far 
above  each  other. 

"Now  it  often  happens  that  when 
the  young  ascend  the  tower  o'  their 
aspirations  an'  look  down  upon  the 
earth  its  average  inhabitant  seems  no 
larger  to  them  than  a  red  ant.  Some 
times  there's  nobody  in  sight — that 
is,  no  real  body — nothin'  but  clouds 
an'  rainbows  an'  kings  an'  queens  an* 
their  families.  Now  Lizzie  an'  Dan 
were  both  up  in  their  towers  an'  look- 
in'  down,  an'  that  was  probably  the 
reason  they  didn't  see  each  other. 

"  Right  away  a  war  began  between 
the  rival  houses  o'  Henshaw  an'  Petti- 
grew.  The  first  we  knew  Sam  was 
buildin'  a  new  house  with  a  tower  on 
it  —  by  jingo!  —  an'  hardwood  finish 
9 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

inside  an'  half  an  acre  in  the  door- 
yard.  The  tower  was  for  Lizzie.  It 
signalized  her  rise  in  the  community. 
It  put  her  one  flight  above  anybody 
in  Pointview. 

"As  the  house  rose,  up  went  Sam's 
prices  again.  I  went  over  to  the 
store  an'  bought  a  week's  provisions, 
an'  when  I  got  the  bill  I  see  that 
he'd  taxed  me  twenty-nine  cents  for 
his  improvements. 

"I  met  one  o'  my  friends,  an*  I 
says  to  him,  'Wai,'  I  says,  'Sam  is 
go  in'  to  make  us  pay  for  his  new  house 
an'  lot.  Sam's  ham  an'  flour  have 
jumped  again.  As  an  assessor  Sam  is 
likely  to  make  his  mark.' 

"'Wai,  what  do  ye  expect?'  says 
he.  '  Lizzie  is  in  high  society,  an'  he's 
got  to  keep  up  with  her.  Lizzie  must 
have  a  home  proper  to  one  o'  her 
station.  Don't  be  hard  on  Sam.' 
10 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

" 6 1  ain't,'  I  says.  '  But  Sam's  house 
ought  to  be  proper  to  his  station  in 
stead  o'  hers.' 

"  I  had  just  sat  down  in  my  office 
when  Bill  Pettigrew  came  in — Sam's 
great  rival  in  the  grocery  an'  aspi 
ration  business.  He'd  bought  a  new 
automobile,  an'  wanted  me  to  draw 
a  mortgage  on  his  house  an*  lot  for 
two  thousand  dollars. 

"'  You'd  better  go  slow/  I  says. 
'It  looks  like  bad  business  to  mort 
gage  your  home  for  an  automobile.' 

•"'It's  for  the  benefit  o'  my  cus 
tomers,'  says  he. 

"  *  Something  purty  for  'em  to  look 
at?'  I  asked. 

"'It  will  quicken  deliveries,'  says 
he. 

"'You  can't  afford  it,'  I  says. 

"'Yes,  I  can,'  says  he.     'I've  put 
up  prices  twenty  per  cent.,   an'   it 
ii 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

ain't  agoin'  to  bother  me  to  pay 
for  it.' 

" '  Oh,  then  your  customers  are  goin' 
to  pay  for  it!'  I  says,  'an'  you're  only 
a  guarantor/ 

" '  I  wouldn't  put  it  that  way/  says 
he.  '  It  costs  more  to  live  these  days. 
Everything  is  goin'  up.' 

"'Indudin'  taxes,'  I  says  to  Bill, 
an'  went  to  work  an'  drew  his  mort 
gage  for  him,  an'  he  got  his  auto 
mobile. 

"I'd  intended  to  take  my  trade  to 
his  store,  but  when  I  saw  that  he 
planned  to  tax  the  community  for  his 
luxuries  I  changed  my  mind  and  went 
over  to  Eph  Hill's.  He  kept  the  only 
other  decent  grocery  store  in  the  vil 
lage.  His  prices  were  just  about  on 
a  level  with  the  others. 

" '  How  do  you  explain  it  that  prices 
have  gone  up  so?'  I  asked. 

12 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"'Why,  they  say  it's  due  to  an 
overproduction  o'  gold/  says  he. 

"'Looks  to  me  like  an  overproduc 
tion  of  argument,'  I  says.  'The  old 
Earth  keeps  shellin'  out  more  gold 
ev'ry  year,  an'  the  more  she  takes  out 
o'  her  pockets  the  more  I  have  to  take 
out  o'  mine.' 

"Wai,  o'  course  I  had  to  keep  in 
line,  so  I  put  up  the  prices  o'  my 
work  a  little  to  be  in  fashion.  Every 
body  kicked  good  an'  plenty,  an'  no 
body  worse 'n  Sam  an'  Bill  an'  Eph- 
raim,  but  I  told  'em  how  I'd  read 
that  there  was  so  much  gold  in  the 
world  it  kind  o'  set  me  hanker  in'. 

"  Ye  know  I  had  ten  acres  o'  worn- 
out  land  in  the  edge  o'  the  village,  an' 
while  others  bought  automobiles  an' 
such  luxuries  I  invested  in  fertilizers 
an'  hired  a  young  man  out  of  an 
agricultural  school  an'  went  to  farm- 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

in'.  Within  a  year  I  was  raisin'  all 
the  meat  an'  milk  an'  vegetables  that 
I  needed,  an'  sellin'  as  much  ag'in  to 
my  neighbors. 

"Well,  Pointview  under  Lizzie  was 
like  Rome  under  Theodora.  The  im- 
morals  o'  the  people  throve  an'  grew. 
As  prices  went  up  decency  went  down, 
an'  wisdom  rose  in  value  like  meat  an' 
flour.  Seemed  so  everybody  that  had 
a  dollar  in  the  bank  an'  some  that 
didn't  bought  automobiles.  They 
kept  me  busy  drawin'  contracts  an' 
deeds  an'  mortgages  an'  searchin' 
titles,  an'  o'  course  I  prospered.  More 
than  half  the  population  converted 
property  into  cash  an'  cash  into  folly 
—automobiles,  piano-players,  foreign 
tours,  vocal  music,  modern  languages, 
an'  the  aspirations  of  other  people. 
They  were  putt  in'  it  on  each  other. 
Every  man  had  a  deep  scheme  for 
14 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

makin'  the  other  fellow  pay  for  his 
fun.  Reminds  me  o'  that  verse  from 
Zechariah,  *  I  will  show  them  no 
mercy,  saith  the  Lord,  but  I  will  de 
liver  every  man  into  the  hand  of  his 
neighbor. '  Now  the  baron  business  has 
generally  been  lucrative,  but  here  in 
Pointview  there  was  too  much  com 
petition.  We  were  all  barons.  Every 
body  was  taxin'  everybody  else  for 
his  luxuries,  an'  nobody  could  save  a 
cent — nobody  but  me  an'  Eph  Hill. 
He  didn't  buy  any  automobiles  or 
build  a  new  house  or  send  his  girl  to 
the  seminary.  He  kept  both  feet  on 
the  ground,  but  he  put  up  his  prices 
along  with  the  rest.  By-an'-by  Eph 
had  a  mortgage  on  about  half  the 
houses  in  the  village.  That  showed 
what  was  the  matter  with  the  other 
men. 

"The  merchants  all  got  liver-com- 
2  15 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

plaint.  There  were  twenty  men  that 
I  used  to  see  walkin'  home  to  their 
dinner  every  day  or  down  to  the  post- 
office  every  evenin'.  But  they  didn't 
walk  any  more.  They  scud  along  in 
their  automobiles  at  twenty  miles  an 
hour,  with  the  whole  family  around 
'em.  They  looked  as  if  they  thought 
that  now  at  last  they  were  keepin'  up 
with  Lizzie.  Their  homes  were  empty 
most  o'  the  time.  The  reading-lamp 
was  never  lighted.  There  was  no 
season  o'  social  converse.  Every  mer 
chant  but  Eph  Hill  grew  fat  an'  round, 
an'  complained  of  indigestion  an' 
sick  -  headache.  Sam  looked  like  a 
moored  balloon.  Seemed  so  their 
morals  grew  fat  an'  flabby  an'  shif - 
less  an'  in  need  of  exercise.  Their 
morals  travelled  too,  but  they  trav 
elled  from  mouth  to  mouth,  as  ye 
might  say,  an'  very  fast.  More'n  half 
16 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

of  'em  give  up  church  an'  went  off  on 
the  country  roads  every  Sunday.  All 
along  the  pike  from  Pointview  to 
Jerusalem  Corners  ye  could  see  where 
they'd  laid  humbly  on  their  backs  in 
the  dust,  pray  in'  to  a  new  god  an' 
tryin'  to  soften  his  heart  with  oil  or 
open  the  gates  o'  mercy  with  a  mon 
key-wrench. 

"Bill  came  into  my  shop  one  day 
an*  looked  as  if  he  hadn't  a  friend  in 
the  world.  He  wanted  to  borrow 
some  money. 

"' Money!'  I  says.  'What  makes 
ye  think  I've  got  money?' 

"'Because  ye  ain't  got  any  auto 
mobile,'  he  says,  laughin'. 

"'No,'  I  says.  'You  bought  one, 
an*  that  was  all  I  could  afford.' 

"It  never  touched  him.  He  went 
on  as  dry  as  a  duck  in  a  shower. 
'You're  one  o'  the  few  sensible  men 
17 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

in  this  village.  You  live  within  yer 
means,  an'  you  ought  to  have  money 
if  ye  ain't/ 

"'I've  got  a  little,  but  I  don't  see 
why  you  should  have  it,'  I  says. 
'  You  want  me  to  do  all  the  savin'  for 
both  of  us.' 

'"It  costs  so  much  to  live  I  can't 
save  a  cent,'  he  says.  'You  know 
I've  got  a  boy  in  college,  an'  it  costs 
fearful.  I  told  my  boy  the  other  day 
how  I  worked  my  way  through  school 
an'  lived  on  a  dollar  a  week  in  a  little 
room  an'  did  my  own  washin'.  He 
says  to  me,  "  Well,  Governor,  you  for 
get  that  I  have  a  social  position  to 
maintain.'" 

'"He's  right,'  I  says.  'You  can't 
expect  him  to  belong  to  the  varsity 
crew  an'  the  Dickey  an'  the  Hasty- 
Puddin'  Club  an'  dress  an'  behave 
like  the  son  of  an  ordinary  grocer  in 
18 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

Pointview,  Connecticut.  Ye  can't  live 
on  nuts  an'  raisins  an'  be  decent  in 
such  a  position.  Looks  to  me  as  if 
it  would  require  the  combined  incomes 
o'  the  grocer  an'  his  lawyer  to  main 
tain  it.  His  position  is  likely  to  be 
hard  on  your  disposition.  He's  try- 
in'  to  keep  up  with  Lizzie — that's 
what's  the  matter.' 

"For  a  moment  Bill  looked  like  a 
lost  dog.  I  told  him  how  Grant  an' 
Thomas  stood  on  a  hilltop  one  day  an' 
saw  their  men  bein'  mowed  down  like 
grass,  an'  by-an'-by  Thomas  says  to 
Grant,  'Wai,  General,  we'll  have  to 
move  back  a  little;  it's  too  hot  for 
the  boys  here.' 

"'I'm  afraid  your  boy's  position  is 
kind  of  uncomf table,'  I  says. 

"'Ill  win  out,'  he  says.  'My  boy 
will  marry  an'  settle  down  in  a  year 
or  so,  then  he'll  begin  to  help  me.' 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

" '  But  you  may  be  killed  off  before 
then,'  I  says. 

" '  If  my  friends  11  stand  by  me  111 
pull  through,'  says  he. 

' '  But  your  friends  have  their  own 
families  to  stand  by,'  I  says. 

"Look  here,  Mr.  Potter,'  says  he. 
'You've  no  such  expense  as  I  have. 
You're  able  to  help  me,  an'  you  ought 
to.  I've  got  a  note  comin'  due  to 
morrow  an'  no  money  to  pay  it 
with.' 

"'Renew  it  an'  then  retrench,'  I 
says.  'Cut  down  your  expenses  an' 
your  prices.' 

"'Can't,'  says  he.  'It  costs  too 
much  to  live.  What  11  I  do  ?' 

"'You  ought  to  die,'  I  says,  very 
mad. 

'"I  can't/  says  he. 

"'Why  not?' 

" '  It  costs  so  much  to  die,'  he  says. 

20 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

'Why,  it  takes  a  thousan'  dollars  to 
give  a  man  a  decent  funeral  these 
days/ 

"'Wai,'  I  says,  'a  man  that  can't 
afford  either  to  live  or  die  excites  my 
sympathy  an'  my  caution.  You've 
taxed  the  community  for  yer  luxuries, 
an'  now  ye  want  to  tax  me  for  yer 
notes.  It's  unjust  discrimination.  It 
gives  me  a  kind  of  a  lonesome  feelin'. 
You  tell  your  boy  Dan  to  come  an' 
see  me.  He  needs  advice  more  than 
you  need  money,  an'  I've  got  a  full 
line  of  it.' 

"Bill  went  away  richer  by  a  check 
for  a  few  hundred  dollars.  Oh,  I  al 
ways  know  when  I  'm  losin '  money!  I  'm 
not  like  other  citizens  o'  Point  view. 

"Dan  came  to  see  me  the  next 
Saturday  night.  He  was  a  big,  blue- 
eyed,  handsome,  good-natured  boy, 
an'  dressed  like  the  son  of  a  million- 

21 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

aire.     I    brought    him    here    to    the 
office,  an'  he  sat  down  beside  me. 

"'Dan,'  I  says,  'what  are  your 
plans  for  the  future  ?' 

"  '  I  mean  to  be  a  lawyer,'  says  he. 

'"Quit  it,'  I  says. 

"'Why?'  says  he. 

'  There  are  too  many  lawyers.   We 
don't  need  any  more.     They're  de- 
vourin'  our  substance.' 
'  What  do  you  suggest  ?' 
"Be  a  real  man.     We're  on  the 
verge  of  a  social  revolution.     Boys 
have  been  leaving  the  farms  an'  going 
into  the  cities  to  be  grand  folks.    The 
result   is  we  have  too  many  grand 
folks  an'  too  few  real  folks.     The  tide 
has  turned.     Get  aboard.' 
'I  don't  understand  you/ 

"'America  needs  wheat  an'  corn 
an'  potatoes  more  than  it  needs  argu 
ments  an'  theories.' 

22 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

'"  Would  you  have  me  be  a  farm 
er?'  he  asked,  in  surprise. 

'"A  farmer!'  I  says.  'It's  a  new 
business — an  exact  science  these  days. 
Think  o'  the  high  prices  an'  the  cheap 
land  with  its  productiveness  more 
than  doubled  by  modern  methods. 
The  country  is  longing  for  big,  brainy 
men  to  work  its  idle  land.  Soon  we 
shall  not  produce  enough  for  our  own 
needs.' 

"'But  I'm  too  well  educated  to  be 
a  farmer,'  says  he. 

"'Pardon  me,'  I  says.  'The  land 
'11  soak  up  all  the  education  you've 
got  an'  yell  for  more.  Its  great  need 
is  education.  We've  been  sending 
the  smart  boys  to  the  city  an'  keep 
ing  the  fools  on  the  farm.  We've 
put  everything  on  the  farm  but  brains. 
That's  what's  the  matter  with  the 
farm.' 

23 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

"'But  farming  isn't  dignified,'  says 
Dan. 

"'Pardon  me  ag'in,'  says  I.  'It's 
more  dignified  to  search  for  the  secrets 
o'  God  in  the  soil  than  to  grope  for 
the  secrets  o'  Satan  in  a  lawsuit.  Any 
fool  can  learn  Blackstone  an'  Kent  an' 
Greenleaf,  but  the  book  o'  law  that's 
writ  in  the  soil  is  only  for  keen  eyes/ 

"'I  want  a  business  that  fits  a 
gentleman/  says  Dan. 

"'An'  the  future  farmer  can  be  as 
much  of  a  gentleman  as  God  '11  let 
him,'  says  I.  'He'll  have  as  many 
servants  as  his  talents  can  employ. 
His  income  will  exceed  the  earnings 
o'  forty  lawyers  taken  as  they  aver 
age.  His  position  will  be  like  that 
o'  the  rich  planter  before  the  war/ 

"'Well,  how  shall  I  go  about  it?' 
he  says,  half  convinced. 

" '  First  stop  tryin'  to  keep  up  with 
24 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

Lizzie/  says  I.  'The  way  to  beat 
Lizzie  is  to  go  toward  the  other  end 
o'  the  road.  Ye  see,  you've  dragged 
yer  father  into  the  race,  an'  he's  about 
winded.  Turn  around  an'  let  Lizzie 
try  to  keep  up  with  you.  Second, 
change  yer  base.  Go  to  a  school  of 
agriculture  an'  learn  the  business  just 
as  you'd  go  to  a  school  o'  law  or  med 
icine.  Begin  modest.  Live  within  yer 
means.  If  you  do  right  I'll  buy  you 
all  the  land  ye  want  an'  start  ye  goin'.' 

"  When  he  left  I  knew  that  I'd  won 
my  case.  In  a  week  or  so  he  sent  me 
a  letter  saying  that  he'd  decided  to 
take  my  advice. 

"  He  came  to  see  me  often  after 
that.  The  first  we  knew  he  was  goin' 
with  Marie  Benson.  Marie  had  a 
reputation  for  good  sense,  but  right 
away  she  began  to  take  after  Lizzie, 
an'  struck  a  tolerably  good  pace. 
25 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

Went  to  New  York  to  study  music 
an'  perfect  herself  in  French. 

"I  declare  it  seemed  as  if  about 
every  girl  in  the  village  was  try  in'  to 
be  a  kind  of  a  princess  with  a  full- 
jewelled  brain.  Girls  who  didn't  know 
an  adjective  from  an  adverb  an'  would 
have  been  stuck  by  a  simple  sum  in 
algebra  could  converse  in  French  an' 
sing  in  Italian.  Not  one  in  ten  was 
willin',  if  she  knew  how,  to  sweep  a 
floor  or  cook  a  square  meal.  Their 
souls  were  above  it.  Their  feet  were 
in  Point  view  an'  their  heads  in  Dream 
land.  They  talked  o'  the  doin's  o' 
the  Four  Hundred  an'  the  successes 
o'  Lizzie.  They  trilled  an'  warbled; 
they  pounded  the  family  piano;  they 
golfed  an'  motored  an'  whisted;  they 
engaged  in  the  titivation  of  toy  dogs 
an'  the  cultivation  o'  general  debil 
ity;  they  ate  caramels  an'  chocolates 
26 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

enough  to  fill  up  a  well;  they  com 
plained  ;  they  dreamed  o'  sunbursts  an* 
tiaras  while  their  papas  worried  about 
notes  an'  bills ;  they  lay  on  downy  beds 
of  ease  with  the  last  best  seller,  an'  fol 
lowed  the  fortunes  of  the  bold  youth 
until  he  found  his  treasure  at  last  in  the 
unhidden  chest  of  the  heroine;  they 
created  what  we  are  pleased  to  call  the 
servant  problem,  which  is  really  the 
drone  problem,  caused  by  the  added 
number  who  toil  not,  but  have  to  be 
toiled  for;  they  grew  in  fat  an'  folly. 
Some  were  both  ox-eyed  an*  perox 
ide.  Homeliness  was  to  them  the  only 
misfortune,  fat  the  only  burden,  and 
pimples  the  great  enemy  of  woman. 

"Now  the  organs  of  the  human 
body  are  just  as  shiftless  as  the  one 
that  owns  'em.  The  systems  o'  these 
fair  ladies  couldn't  do  their  own  work. 
The  physician  an'  the  surgeon  were 
27 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

added  to  the  list  o'  their  servants, 
an'  became  as  necessary  as  the  cook 
an*  the  chambermaid.  But  they  were 
keeping  up  with  Lizzie.  Poor  things ! 
They  weren't  so  much  to  blame. 
They  thought  their  fathers  were  rich, 
an'  their  fathers  enjoyed  an'  clung  to 
that  reputation.  They  hid  their  pov 
erty  an'  flaunted  the  flag  of  opulence. 
"It  costs  money,  big  money  an' 
more,  to  produce  a  generation  of  in 
valids.  The  fathers  o'  Pointview  had 
paid  for  it  with  sweat  an'  toil  an' 
broken  health  an'  borrowed  money 
an'  the  usual  tax  added  to  the  price 
o'  their  goods  or  their  labor.  Then 
one  night  the  cashier  o'  the  First 
National  Bank  blew  out  his  brains. 
We  found  that  he  had  stolen  eighteen 
thousand  dollars  in  the  effort  to  keep 
up.  That  was  a  lesson  to  the  Lizzie- 
chasers!  Why,  sir,  we  found  that 
28 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

each  of  his  older  girls  had  diamond 
rings  an'  could  sing  in  three  languages, 
an'  a  boy  was  in  college.  Poor  man! 
he  didn't  steal  for  his  own  pleasure. 
Everything  went  at  auction — house, 
grounds,  rings,  automobile.  Another 
man  was  caught  sellin'  under  weight 
with  fixed  scales,  an'  went  to  prison. 
Henry  Brown  failed,  an'  we  found 
that  he  had  borrowed  five  hundred 
dollars  from  John  Bass,  an'  at  the 
same  time  John  Bass  had  borrowed 
six  hundred  from  Tom  Rogers,  an' 
Rogers  had  borrowed  seven  hundred 
an'  fifty  from  Sam  Henshaw,  an'  Hen- 
shaw  had  borrowed  the  same  amount 
from  Percival  Smith,  an'  Smith  had 
got  it  from  me.  The  chain  broke,  the 
note  structure  fell  like  a  house  o' 
cards,  an'  I  was  the  only  loser — think 
o'  that.  There  were  five  capitalists 
an'  only  one  man  with  real  money. 
29 


II 


IN    WHICH    LIZZIE    RETURNS    TO    HER 

HOME,  HAVING  MET  A  QUEEN   AND 

ACQUIRED   AN    ACCENT   AND 

A   FIANCE 

SAM  HENSHAW'S  girl  had  grad 
uated  an'  gone  abroad  with  her 
mother.     One  Sunday   'bout  a  year 
later,  Sam  flew  up  to  the  door  o'  my 
house  in  his  automobile.     He  lit  on 
the  sidewalk  an'  struggled  up  the  steps 
with   two   hundred   an'   forty -seven 
pounds  o'  meat  on  him.     He  walked 
like  a  man  carryin'  a  barrel  o'  pork. 
He  acted  as  if  he  was  glad  to  see  me 
an*  the  big  arm-chair  on  the  piaz'. 
"'  What's  the  news?'  I  asked. 
30 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

' '  Lizzie  an'  her  mother  got  back 
this  morninV  he  gasped.  'They've 
been  six  months  in  Europe.  Lizzie 
is  in  love  with  it.  She's  hobnobbed 
with  kings  an'  queens.  She  talks  art 
beautiful.  I  wish  you'd  come  over  an' 
hear  her  hold  a  conversation.  It's 
wonderful.  She's  go  in'  to  be  a  great 
addition  to  this  community.  She's 
got  me  faded  an'  on  the  run.  I  ran 
down  to  the  store  for  a  few  minutes 
this  mornin',  an'  when  I  got  back  she 
says  to  me: 

"'"  Father,  you  always  smell  o' 
ham  an'  mustard.  Have  you  been 
in  that  disgusting  store?  Go  an' 
take  a  bahth  at  once."  That's  what 
she  called  it — a  " bahth."  Talks  just 
like  the  English  people — she's  been 
among  'em  so  long.  Get  into  my  car 
an'  I'll  take  ye  over  an'  fetch  ye  back/ 

"  Sam  regarded  his  humiliation  with 

3  31 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

pride  an'  joy.  At  last  Lizzie  had  con 
vinced  him  that  her  education  had 
paid.  My  curiosity  was  excited.  I 
got  in  an'  we  flew  over  to  his  house. 
Sam  yelled  up  the  stairway  kind  o' 
joyful  as  we  come  in,  an'  his  wife  an 
swered  at  the  top  o'  the  stairs  an'  says : 

11 '  Mr.  Henshaw,  I  wish  you  wouldn't 
shout  in  this  house  like  a  boy  calling 
the  cows/ 

"  I  guess  she  didn't  know  I  was 
there.  Sam  ran  up-stairs  an*  back, 
an'  then  we  turned  into  that  splendid 
parlor  o'  his  an'  set  down.  Purty 
soon  Liz  an'  her  mother  swung  in 
an*  smiled  very  pleasant  an'  shook 
hands  an'  asked  how  was  my  family, 
etc.,  an'  went  right  on  talkin'.  I  saw 
they  didn't  ask  for  the  purpose  of 
gettin'  information.  Liz  was  dressed 
to  kill  an'  purty  as  a  picture — cheeks 
red  as  a  rooster's  comb  an'  waist  like  a 
32 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

hornet's.  The  cover  was  off  her  show 
case,  an*  there  was  a  diamond  sun 
burst  in  the  middle  of  it,  an'  the  jewels 
were  surrounded  by  charms  to  which 
I  am  not  wholly  insensible  even  now. 

"'I  wanted  ye  to  tell  Mr.  Potter 
about  yer  travels,'  says  Sam. 

"  Lizzie  smiled  an'  looked  out  o'  the 
window  a  minute  an'  fetched  a  sigh 
an'  struck  out,  lookin'  like  Deacon 
Bristow  the  day  he  give  ten  dollars  to 
the  church.  She  told  about  the  cities 
an'  the  folks  an'  the  weather  in  that 
queer,  English  way  she  had  o'  talkin'. 
'Tell  how  ye  hobnobbed  with  the 
Queen  o'  Italy,'  Sam  says. 

'"Oh,  father!  Hobnobbed!'  says 
she.  '  Anybody  would  think  that  she 
and  I  had  manicured  each  other's 
hands.  She  only  spoke  a  few  words  of 
Italian  and  looked  very  gracious  an' 
beautiful  an'  complimented  my  color.' 
33 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

4 'Then  she  lay  back  in  her  chair, 
kind  o'  weary,  an'  Sam  asked  me  how 
was  business — just  to  fill  in  the  gap, 
I  guess.  Liz  woke  up  an'  showed 
how  far  she'd,  got  ahead  in  the  race. 

"Business!'  says  she,  with  anima 
tion.  'That's  why  I  haven't  any 
patience  with  American  men.  They 
never  sit  down  for  ten  minutes  with 
out  talking  business.  Their  souls  are 
steeped  in  commercialism.  Don't  you 
see  how  absurd  it  is,  father?  There 
are  plenty  of  lovely  things  to  talk 
about.' 

"  Sam  looked  guilty,  an'  I  felt  sorry 
for  him.  It  had  cost  heavy  to  edu 
cate  his  girl  up  to  a  p'int  where  she 
could  give  him  so  much  advice  an' 
information.  The  result  was  natural. 
She  was  irritated  by  the  large  cubic 
capacity  —  the  length,  breadth,  and 
thickness  of  his  ignorance  and  unre- 
34 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

finement ;  he  was  dazed  by  the  length, 
breadth,  an'  thickness  of  her  learning 
an'  her  charm.  He  didn't  say  a  word. 
He  bowed  his  head  before  this  pretty, 
perfumed  casket  of  erudition. 

"'You  like  Europe,'  I  says. 

11 'I  love  it,'  says  she.  'It's  the 
only  place  to  live.  There  one  finds 
so  much  of  the  beautiful  in  art  and 
music  and  so  many  cultivated  people. ' 

"Lizzie  was  a  handsome  girl,  an' 
had  more  sense  than  any  o'  the  others 
that  tried  to  keep  up  with  her.  After 
all,  she  was  Sam's  fault,  an'  Sam  was 
a  sin  conceived  an'  committed  by  his 
wife,  as  ye  might  say.  She  had  made 
him  what  he  was. 

"'Have  you  seen  Dan  Pettigrew 
lately?'  Lizzie  asked. 

"'Yes,'  I  says.  'Dan  is  goin'  to 
be  a  farmer.' 

"'A  farmer!'  says  she,  an'  covered 
35 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

her  face  with  her  handkerchief  an* 
shook  with  merriment. 

"'Yes,'  I  says.  'Dan  has  come 
down  out  o'  the  air.  He's  abandoned 
folly.  He  wants  to  do  something  to 
help  along/ 

'"Yes,  of  course/  says  Lizzie,  in  a 
lofty  manner.  'Dan  is  really  an  ex 
cellent  boy — isn't  he?' 

"'Yes,  an*  he's  livin'  within  his 
means — that's  the  first  mile-stone  in 
the  road  to  success,'  I  says.  'I'm 
goin'  to  buy  him  a  thousand  acres  o' 
land,  an'  one  o'  these  days  he'll  own 
it  an'  as  much  more.  You  wait. 
He'll  have  a  hundred  men  in  his  em 
ploy,  an'  flocks  an'  herds  an'  a  market 
of  his  own  in  New  York.  He'll  con 
trol  prices  in  this  county,  an'  they're 
goin'  down.  He'll  be  a  force  in  the 
State.' 

"They  were  all  sitting  up.  The 
36 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

faces  o'  the  Lady  Henshaw  an'  her 
daughter  turned  red. 

'"I'm  very  glad  to  hear  it,  I'm 
sure/  said  her  Ladyship. 

"  I  wasn't  so  sure  o'  that  as  she 
was,  an'  .there,  for  me,  was  the  milk 
in  the  cocoanut.  I  was  joyful. 

'"Why,  it's  perfectly  lovely!'  says 
Lizzie,  as  she  fetched  her  pretty  hands 
together  in  her  lap. 

" '  Yes,  you  want  to  cultivate  Dan/ 1 
says.  '  He's  a  man  to  be  reckoned  with. ' 

'"Oh,  indeed!'  says  her  Ladyship. 

" '  Yes,  indeed !'  I  says, '  an'  the  girls 
are  all  after  him/ 

"I  just  guessed  that.  I  knew  it 
was  unscrupulous,  but  livin'  here  in 
this  atmosphere  does  affect  the  morals 
even  of  a  lawyer.  Lizzie  grew  red  in 
the  face. 

"He  could  marry  one  o'  the  Four 
Hundred  if  he  wanted  to/  I  says. 
37 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

'  The  other  evening  he  was  seen  in  the 
big  red  tourin'-car  o'  the  Van  Alstynes. 
What  do  you  think  o'  that  ?' 

"  Now  that  was  true,  but  the  chauf 
feur  had  been  a  college  friend  o'  Dan's, 
an'  I  didn't  mention  that. 

"  Lizzie  had  a  dreamy  smile  in  her 
face. 

'"Why,  it's  wonderful!'  says  she. 
'I  didn't  know  he'd  improved  so.' 

11 '  I  hear  that  his  mother  is  doing 
her  own  work,'  says  the  Lady  Hen- 
shaw,  with  a  forced  smile. 

"  '  Yes,  think  of  it,'  I  says.  '  The 
woman  is  earning  her  daily  bread- 
actually  helpin'  her  husband.  Did 
you  ever  hear  o'  such  a  thing  !  I'll 
have  to  scratch  'em  off  my  list.  It's 
too  uncommon.  It  ain't  respectable.' 

"Her  Ladyship  began  to  suspect 
me  an'  retreated  with  her  chin  in  the 
air.     She'd  had  enough. 
38 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"  I  thought  that  would  do  an'  drew 
out  o'  the  game.  Lizzie  looked  confi 
dent.  She  seemed  to  have  something 
up  her  sleeve  besides  that  lovely  arm 
o'  hers. 

"  I  went  home,  an'  two  days  later 
Sam  looked  me  up  again.  Then  the 
secret  came  out  o'  the  bag.  He'd 
heard  that  I  had  some  money  in  the 
savings-banks  over  at  Bridgeport 
pay  in'  me  only  three  and  a  half  per 
cent.,  an'  he  wanted  to  borrow  it  an' 
pay  me  six  per  cent.  His  generos 
ity  surprised  me.  It  was  not  like 
Sam. 

'"What's  the  matter  with  you?'  I 
asked.  '  Is  it  possible  that  your 
profits  have  all  gone  into  gasoline  an' 
rubbei  an'  silk  an'  education  an'  hard 
wood  finish  an'  human  fat  ?' 

'  Well,  it  costs  so  much  to  live,'  he 
says,  'an'  the  wholesalers  have  kept 
39 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

liftin'  the  prices  on  me.  Now  there's 
the  meat  trust — their  prices  are  up 
thirty-five  per  cent/ 

'"Of  course,'  I  says,  'the  directors 
have  to  have  their  luxuries.  You 
taxed  us  for  yer  new  house  an'  yer 
automobile  an'  yer  daughter's  edu 
cation,  an'  they're  taxin'  you  for  their 
steam-yachts  an'  private  cars  an' 
racin'  stables.  You  can't  expect  to 
do  all  the  taxin'.  The  wholesalers 
learnt  about  the  profits  that  you  an' 
others  like  ye  was  makin',  an'  they 
concluded  that  they  needed  a  part 
of  'em.  Of  course  they  had  to  have 
their  luxuries,  an'  they're  taxin'  you 
—they  couldn't  afford  to  have  'em 
if  they  didn't.  Don't  complain.' 

Til  come  out  all  right,'  he  says. 
'I'm  goin'  to  raise  my  whole  schedule 
fifteen  per  cent.' 

" c  The  people  won't  stand  it — they 
40 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

can't,'  says  I.     'You'll  be  drownin' 
the  miller.     They'll  leave  you/ 

'"It  won't  do  'em  any  good/  says 
he.  'Bill  an'  Eph  will  make  their 
prices  agree  with  mine/ 

'"Folks  will  go  back  to  the  land, 
as  I  have/  says  I. 

'"They  don't  know  enough/  says 
Sam.  'Farmin'  is  a  lost  art  here  in 
the  East.  You  take  my  word  for  it 
—they'll  pay  our  prices — they'll  have 
to — an'  the  rich  folks,  they  don't 
worry  about  prices.  I  pay  a  com 
mission  to  every  steward  an'  butler 
in  this  neighborhood/ 

'"I  won't  help  you/  says  I.  'It's 
wicked.  You  ought  to  have  saved 
your  money/ 

"'In  a   year  from  now   I'll  have 
money  to  burn/  he  says.     'For  one 
thing,    my   daughter's   education    is 
finished,  an'  that  has  cost  heavy/ 
41 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

" '  How  much  would  it  cost  to  un 
learn  it?'  I  asked.  ' That's  goin'  to 
cost  more  than  it  did  to  get  it,  I'm 
'fraid.  In  my  opinion  the  first  thing 
to  do  with  her  is  to  uneducate  her.' 

"That  was  like  a  red-hot  iron  to 
Sam.  It  kind  o'  het  him  up. 

'"Why,  sir,  you  don't  appreciate 
her,'  says  he.  'That  girl  is  far  above 
us  all  here  in  Pointview.  She's  a 
queen.' 

" '  Well,  Sam,'  I  says, '  if  there's  any 
thing  you  don't  need  just  now  it's  a 
queen.  If  I  were  you  I  wouldn't  graft 
that  kind  o'  fruit  on  the  grocery-tree. 
Hams  an*  coronets  don't  flourish  on 
the  same  bush.  They  have  a  differ 
ent  kind  of  a  bouquet.  They  don't 
harmonize.  Then,  Sam,  what  do  you 
want  of  a  girl  that's  far  above  ye  ?  Is 
it  any  comfort  to  you  to  be  despised 
in  your  own  home  ?' 
42 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

" '  Mr.  Potter.  I  haven't  educated  her 
for  my  own  home  or  for  this  commu 
nity,  but  for  higher  things,'  says  Sam. 

" '  You  hairy  old  ass !  The  first  you 
know/  I  says,  'they'll  have  your  skin 
off  an'  layin'  on  the  front  piaz'  for  a 
door-mat.' 

"Sam  started  for  the  open  air.  I 
hated  to  be  ha'sh  with  him,  but  he 
needed  some  education  himself,  an' 
it  took  a  beetle  an'  wedge  to  open  his 
mind  for  it.  He  lifted  his  chin  so  high 
that  the  fat  swelled  out  on  the  back 
of  his  neck  an'  unbuttoned  his  collar. 
Then  he  turned  an'  said:  'My  daugh 
ter  is  too  good  for  this  town,  an'  I 
don't  intend  that  she  shall  stay  here. 
She  has  been  asked  to  marry  a  man 
o'  fortune  in  the  old  country.' 

'"So  I  surmised,  an'  I  suppose  you 
find  that  the  price  o'  husbands  has 
gone  up,'  I  says. 

43 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"Sam  didn't  answer  me. 

'They  want  you  to  settle  some 
money  on  the  girl — don't  they?'  I 
asked. 

"'My  wife  says  it's  the  custom  in 
the  old  country/  says  Sam. 

"Suppose  he  ain't  worth  the 
price  ?' 

'"They  say  he's  a  splendid  fellow/ 
says  Sam. 

"'You  let  me  investigate  him,'  I 
says,  'an'  if  he's  really  worth  the 
price  I'll  help  ye  to  pay  it/ 

"  Sam  said  that  was  fair,  an*  thank 
ed  me  for  the  offer,  an'  gave  me  the 
young  man's  address.  He  was  a 
Russian  by  the  name  of  Alexander 
Rolanoff,  an'  Sam  insisted  that  he 
belonged  to  a  very  old  family  of 
large  means  an'  noble  blood,  an'  said 
that  the  young  man  would  be  in 
Pointview  that  summer.  I  wrote  to 

44 


KEEPING   UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

the  mayor  of  the  city  in  which  he 
was  said  to  live,  but  got  no  answer. 

"  Alexander  came.  He  was  a  cost 
ly  an'  beautiful  young  man,  about 
thirty  years  old,  with  red  cheeks  an* 
curly  hair  an'  polished  finger-nails, 
an'  wrote  poetry.  Sometimes  ye 
meet  a  man  that  excites  yer  worst 
suspicions.  Your  right  hand  no  soon 
er  lets  go  o'  his  than  it  slides  down 
into  your  pocket  to  see  if  anything 
has  happened;  or  maybe  you  take 
the  arm  o'  yer  wife  or  yer  daughter 
an'  walk  away.  Aleck  leaned  a  little 
in  both  directions.  But,  sir,  Sam 
didn't  care  to  know  my  opinion  of 
him.  Never  said  another  word  to  me 
on  the  subject,  but  came  again  to  ask 
about  the  money. 

'"Look  here,  Sam/  I  says.  'You 
tell  Lizzie  that  I  want  to  have  a  talk 
with  her  at  four  o'clock  in  this  office  ? 
45 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

If  she  really  wants  to  buy  this  man, 
I'll  see  what  can  be  done  about  it.' 

"  *  All  right,  you  talk  with  her/  says 
he,  an'  went  out. 

"  In  a  few  minutes  Dan  showed  up. 

'"Have  you  seen  Lizzie?'  says  I. 

"'Not  to  speak  to  her,'  says  Dan. 
'Looks  fine,  doesn't  she?' 

" '  Beautiful !'  I  says.  '  How  is  Marie 
Benson  ?' 

"'Oh,  the  second  time  I  went  to 
see  her  she  was  trying  to  keep  up 
with  Lizzie/  says  he.  '  She's  changed 
her  gait.  Was  going  to  New  York 
after  a  lot  o'  new  frills.  I  suppose 
she  thought  that  I  wanted  a  grand 
lady.  That's  the  trouble  with  all  the 
girls  here.  A  man  might  as  well 
marry  the  real  thing  as  an  imitation. 
I  wish  Lizzie  would  get  down  off  her 
high  horse.' 

"'She's  goin'  to  swap  him  for  one 
46 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

with  still  longer  legs/  I  says.  *  Lizzie 
is  engaged  to  a  gentleman  o'  fortune 
in  the  old  country/ 

"  Dan's  face  began  to  stretch  out 
long  as  if  it  was  made  of  injy-rubber. 
'  It's  too  bad,'  says  he.     *  Lizzie  is 
a  good-hearted  girl,  if  she  is  spoilt.' 

"'Fine  girl!'  I  says.  'An',  Dan,  I 
was  in  hopes  that  she  would  discover 
her  own  folly  before  it  was  too  late. 
But  she  saw  that  others  had  begun 
to  push  her  in  the  race  an'  that  she 
had  to  let  out  another  link  or  fall 
behind.' 

'Well,  I  wish  her  happiness/  says 
Dan,  with  a  sigh. 

" '  Go  an'  tell  her  so/  I  says.  '  Show 
her  that  you  have  some  care  as  to 
whether  she  lives  or  dies.' 

"I  could  see  that  his  feelin's  had 
been  honed  'til  they  were  sharp  as  a 
razor. 

4  47 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"'I've  seen  that  fellow,'  he  says, 
'an'  he'll  never  marry  Lizzie  if  I  can 
prevent  it.  I  hate  the  looks  of  him. 
I  shall  improve  the  first  opportunity 
I  have  to  insult  him.' 

"  'That  might  be  impossible,'  I  sug 
gested. 

" '  But  I'll  make  the  effort,'  says  Dan. 

"As  an  insulter  I  wouldn't  wonder 
if  Dan  had  large  capacity  when 
properly  stirred  up. 

"'Better  let  him  alone.  I  have 
lines  out  that  will  bring  information. 
Be  patient.' 

"Dan  rose  and  said  he  would  see 
me  soon,  an'  left  with  a  rather  stern 
look  in  his  face. 


Ill 

IN   WHICH  LIZZIE   DESCENDS  FROM   A 
GREAT   HEIGHT 


E^ZIE  was  on  hand  at  the  hour 
appointed.     We  sat  down  here 
all  by  ourselves. 

'  '  Lizzie,'  I  says,  '  why  in  the  world 
did  you  go  to  Europe  for  a  husband  ? 
It's  a  slight  to  Point  view  —  a  discour 
agement  of  home  industry/ 

'There  was  nobody  here  that 
seemed  to  want  me,'  she  says,  blush- 
in'  very  sweet. 

"She  had  dropped  her  princess 
manner  an'  seemed  to  be  ready  for 
straight  talk. 

"'If  that's  so,  Lizzie,  it's  your 
fault,'  I  says. 

49 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

" '  I  don't  understand  you,'  says  she. 

'"Why,  my  dear  child,  it's  this 
way,'  I  says.  'Your  mother  an' 
father  have  meant  well,  but  they've 
been  foolish.  They've  educated  you 
for  a  millionairess,  an'  all  that's  lack- 
in'  is  the  millions.  You  overawed 
the  boys  here  in  Pointview.  They 
thought  that  you  felt  above  'em, 
whether  you  did  or  not;  an'  the  boys 
on  Fifth  Avenue  were  glad  to  play 
with  you,  but  they  didn't  care  to 
marry  you.  I  say  it  kindly,  Lizzie, 
an'  I'm  a  friend  o'  yer  father's,  an' 
you  can  afford  to  let  me  say  what  I 
mean.  Those  young  fellows  wanted 
the  millions  as  well  as  the  million 
airess.  One  of  our  boys  fell  in  love 
with  ye  an'  tried  to  keep  up,  but 
your  pace  was  too  hot  for  him.  His 
father  got  in  trouble,  an'  the  boy  had 
to  drop  out.  Every  well-born  girl  in 
5° 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

the  village  entered  the  race  with  ye. 
An  era  of  extravagance  set  in  that 
threatened  the  solvency,  the  honor, 
o'  this  sober  old  community.  Their 
fathers  had  to  borrow  money  to  keep 
agoin'.  They  worked  overtime,  they 
importuned  their  creditors,  they  wal 
lowed  in  low  finance  while  their 
daughters  revelled  in  the  higher  walks 
o1  life  an'  sang  in  different  languages. 
Even  your  father — I  tell  you  in  con 
fidence,  for  I  suppose  he  wouldn't 
have  the  courage  to  do  it — is  in  finan 
cial  difficulties.  Now,  Lizzie,  I  want 
to  be  kind  to  you,  for  I  believe  you're 
a  good  girl  at  heart,  but  you  ought 
to  know  that  all  this  is  what  your 
accomplishments  have  accomplished/ 
"She  rose  an'  walked  across  the 
room,  with  trembling  lips.  She  had 
seized  her  parachute  an'  jumped  from 
her  balloon  and  was  slowiy  approach- 
Si 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

in'  the  earth.  I  kept  her  comin'. 
'These  clothes  an'  jewels  that  you 
wear,  Lizzie — these  silks  an'  laces, 
these  sunbursts  an'  solitaires — don't 
seem  to  harmonize  with  your  father's 
desire  to  borrow  money.  Pardon  me, 
but  I  can't  make  'em  look  honest. 
They  are  not  paid  for — or  if  they  are 
they  are  paid  for  with  other  men's 
money.  They  seem  to  accuse  you. 
They'd  accuse  me  if  I  didn't  speak 
out  plain  to  ye.' 

"All  of  a  sudden  Lizzie  dropped 
into  a  chair  an'  began  to  cry.  She 
had  lit  safely  on  the  ground. 

"  It  made  me  feel  like  a  murderer, 
but  it  had  to  be.  Poor  girl !  I  want 
ed  to  pick  her  up  like  a  baby  an'  kiss 
her.  It  wasn't  that  I  loved  Lizzie 
less  but  Rome  more.  She  wasn't  to 
blame.  Every  spoilt  woman  stands 
for  a  fool-man.  Most  o'  them  need — 
52 


LIZZIE      DROPPED       INTO      A      CHAIR      AN1      BEGAN       TO      CRY 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

not  a  master — but  a  frank  counsellor. 
I  locked  the  door.  She  grew  calm  an' 
leaned  on  my  table,  her  face  covered 
with  her  hands.  My  clock  shouted 
the  seconds  in  the  silence.  Not  a  word 
was  said  for  two  or  three  minutes. 

'"I  have  been  brutal/  I  says,  by- 
an'-by.  'Forgive  me.' 

"'Mr.  Potter,'  she  says,  'you've 
done  me  a  great  kindness.  Ill  never 
forget  it.  What  shall  I  do?' 

'"Well,  for  one  thing,'  says  I,  'go 
back  to  your  old  simplicity  an'  live 
within  your  means.' 

'"I'll  do  it,'  she  says;  'but— I— I 
supposed  my  father  was  rich.  Oh,  I 
wish  we  could  have  had  this  talk  before ! ' 

'"Did  you  know  that  Dan  Petti- 
grew  was  in  love  with  you?'  I  put 
it  straight  from  the  shoulder.  'He 
wouldn't  dare  tell  ye,  but  you  ought 
to  know  it.  You  are  regarded  as  a 
53 


KEEPING    UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

kind  of  a  queen  here,  an'  it's  cus 
tomary  for  queens  to  be  approached 
by  ambassadors.' 

"  Her  face  lighted  up. 

" '  In  love  with  me ?'  she  whispered. 
1  Why,  Mr.  Potter,  I  never  dreamed  of 
such  a  thing.  Are  you  sure  ?  How  do 
you  know?  I  thought  he  felt  above  me . ' 

"'An'  he  thought  you  felt  above 
him,'  I  says. 

"'How  absurd!  how  unfortunate!' 
she  whispered.  '  I  couldn't  marry 
him  now  if  he  asked  me.  This  thing 
has  gone  too  far.  I  wouldn't  treat 
any  man  that  way.' 

"'You  are  engaged  to  Alexander, 
are  you  ?'  I  says. 

"'Well,  there  is  a  sort  of  under 
standing,  and  I  think  we  are  to  be 
married  if — if— 

"She  paused,  and  tears  came  to 
her  eyes  again. 

54 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

'You  are  thinking  o'  the  money/ 
says  I. 

'"I  am  thinking  o'  the  money/ 
says  she.  'It  has  been  promised  to 
him.  He  will  expect  it/ 

"'Do  you  think  he  is  an  honest 
man?  Will  he  treat  you  well?' 

'"I  suppose  so/ 

" '  Then  let  me  talk  with  him.  Per 
haps  he  would  take  you  without  any 
thing  to  boot/ 

"'Please  don't  propose  that/  says 
she.  '  I  think  he's  getting  the  worst 
of  it  now.  Mr.  Potter,  would  you 
lend  me  the  money  ?  I  ask  it  because 
I  don't  want  the  family  to  be  dis 
graced  or  Mr.  Rolanoff  to  be  badly 
treated.  He  is  to  invest  the  money 
in  my  name  in  a  very  promising 
venture.  He  says  he  can  double  it 
within  three  months/ 

"It  would  have  been  easy  for  me 
55 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

to  laugh,  but  I  didn't.  Lizzie's  atti 
tude  in  the  whole  matter  pleased  me. 
I  saw  that  her  heart  was  sound.  I 
promised  to  have  a  talk  with  her 
father  and  see  her  again.  I  looked 
into  his  affairs  carefully  and  put  him 
on  a  new  financial  basis  with  a  loan 
of  fifteen  thousand  dollars. 

"One  day  he  came  around  to  my 
office  with  Alexander  an'  wanted  me 
to  draw  up  a  contract  between  him 
an'  the  young  man.  It  was  a  rather 
crude  proposition,  an'  I  laughed,  an* 
Aleck  sat  with  a  bored  smile  on  his 
face. 

'"Oh,  if  he's  good  enough  for  your 
daughter/  I  said,  'his  word  ought  to 
be  good  enough  for  you/ 

"'That's  all  right/  says  Sam,  'but 

business  is  business.     I  want  it  down 

in  black  an'  white  that  the  income 

from  this  money  is  to  be  paid  to  my 

56 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

daughter,  and  that  neither  o'  them 
shall  make  any  further  demand  on 
me/ 

"Well,  I  drew  that  fool  contract, 
an',  after  it  was  signed,  Sam  delivered 
ten  one-thousand-dollar  bills  to  the 
young  man,  who  was  to  become  his 
son-in-law  the  following  month  with 
the  assistance  of  a  caterer  and  a 
florist  and  a  string -band,  all  from 
New  Haven. 

"Within  half  an  hour  Dan  Petti- 
grew  came  roarin'  up  in  front  o'  my 
office  in  the  big  red  automobile  of  his 
father's.  In  a  minute  he  came  in  to 
see  me.  He  out  with  his  business 
soon  as  he  lit  in  a  chair. 

' '  1 ' ve  learned  that  this  man  Rolan- 
off  is  a  scoundrel/  says  he. 

"'A  scoundrel!'  says  I. 
"Of  purest  ray  serene/  says  he. 

"I  put  a  few  questions,  but  he'd 
57 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

nothing  in  the  way  o'  proof  to  offer 
— it  was  only  the  statement  of  a 
newspaper. 

"Is  that  all  you  know  against 
him?'  I  asked. 

" '  He  won't  fight/  says  Dan.  '  I've 
tried  him — I've  begged  him  to  fight.' 

"'Well,  I've  got  better  evidence 
than  you  have/  I  says.  'It  came  a 
few  minutes  before  you  did.' 

"  I  showed  him  a  cablegram  from  a 
London  barrister  that  said: 

'Inquiry  complete.     The  man  is 
a  pure  adventurer,  character  nil.9 

"'We  must  act  immediately/  says 
Dan. 

"I  have  telephoned  all  over  the 
village  for  Sam/  I  says.  'They  say 
he's  out  in  his  car  with  Aleck  an* 
Lizzie.  I  asked  them  to  send  him 
here  as  soon  as  he  returns/ 

"'They're  down  on  the  Post  Road 
58 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

I  met  'em  on  my  way  here/  says  Dan. 
'We  can  overtake  that  car  easy/ 

"  Well,  the  wedding  -  day  was  ap 
proaching  an'  Aleck  had  the  money, 
an'  the  thought  occurred  to  me  that 
he  might  give  'em  the  slip  somewhere 
on  the  road  an'  get  away  with  it.  I 
left  word  in  the  store  that  if  Sam  got 
back  before  I  saw  him  he  was  to 
wait  with  Aleck  in  my  office  until  I 
returned,  an'  off  we  started  like  a 
baseball  on  its  way  from  the  box  to 
the  catcher. 

"  An  officer  on  his  motor-cycle  over 
hauled  us  on  the  Post  Road.  He 
knew  me. 

"'It's  a  case  o'  sickness/  I  says, 
'an'  we're  after  Sam  Henshaw/ 

"'He's  gone  down  the  road  an' 
hasn't  come  back  yet/  says  the 
officer. 

"  I  passed  him  a  ten-dollar  bill. 
59 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

'"Keep  within  sight  of  us/  I  says. 
'We  may  need  you  any  minute.' 

"  He  nodded  and  smiled,  an'  away 
we  went. 

'"I'm  wonderin'  how  we're  agoin' 
to  get  the  money,'  I  says,  havin'  told 
Dan  about  it. 

" '  I'll  take  it  away  from  him,'  says 
Dan. 

'"That  wouldn't  do,'  says  I. 

" '  Why  not  ?' 

" '  Why  not !'  says  I.  '  You  wouldn't 
want  to  be  arrested  for  highway  rob 
bery.  Then,  too,  we  must  think  o' 
Lizzie.  Poor  girl!  It's  agoin'  to  be 
hard  on  her,  anyhow.  I'll  try  a  bluff. 
It's  probable  that  he's  worked  this 
game  before.  If  so,  we  can  rob  him 
without  violence  an'  let  him  go/ 

"  Dan  grew  joyful  as  we  sped  along. 

'"Lizzie  is  mine/  he  says.     'She 
wouldn't  marry  him  now/ 
60 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"He  told  me  how  fond  they  had 
been  of  each  other  until  they  got  ac 
complishments  an'  began  to  put  up 
the  price  o'  themselves.  He  said  that 
in  their  own  estimation  they  had  riz 
in  value  like  beef  an'  ham,  an'  he  con 
fessed  how  foolish  he  had  been.  We 
were  excited  an'  movin'  fast. 

"  Something  '11  happen  soon/  he 
says. 

"An'  it  did,  within  ten  minutes 
from  date.  We  could  see  a  blue  car 
half  a  mile  ahead. 

"'I'll  go  by  that  ol'  freight-car  o' 
the  Henshaws','  says  Dan.  'They'll 
take  after  me,  for  Sam  is  vain  of  his 
car.  We  can  halt  them  in  that  nar 
row  cut  on  the  hill  beyond  the  Byron 
River.' 

"  We  had  rounded  the  turn  at  Ches 
ter  ville,  when  we  saw  the  Henshaw 
car  just  ahead  of  us,  with  Aleck  at 
61 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

the  wheel  an'  Lizzie  beside  him  an' 
Sam  on  the  back  seat.  I  saw  the 
peril  in  the  situation. 

"The  long  rivalry  between  the 
houses  of  Henshaw  an'  Pettigrew, 
reinforced  by  that  of  the  young  men, 
was  nearing  its  climax. 

"'See  me  go  by  that  old  soap-box 
o'  the  Henshaws','  says  Dan,  as  he 
pulled  out  to  pass  'em. 

"Then  Dan  an'  Aleck  began  a  duel 
with  automobiles.  Each  had  a  forty- 
horse-power  engine  in  his  hands,  with 
which  he  was  resolved  to  humble  the 
other.  Dan  knew  that  he  was  goin' 
to  bring  down  the  price  o'  Alecks  an' 
Henshaws.  First  we  got  ahead;  then 
they  scraped  by  us,  crumpling  our 
fender  on  the  nigh  side.  Lizzie  an' 
I  lost  our  hats  in  the  scrimmage. 
We  gathered  speed  an'  ripped  off  a 
section  o'  their  bulwarks,  an'  roared 
62 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

along  neck  an'  neck  with  'em.  The 
broken  fenders  rattled  like  drums  in 
a  battle.  A  hen  flew  up  an'  hit  me 
in  the  face,  an'  came  nigh  unhorsin' 
me.  I  hung  on.  It  seemed  as  if 
Fate  was  tryin'  to  halt  us,  but  our 
horse-power  was  too  high.  A  dog 
went  under  us.  It  began  to  rain  a 
little.  We  were  a  length  ahead  at 
the  turn  by  the  Byron  River.  We 
swung  for  the  bridge  an'  skidded  an' 
struck  a  telephone  pole,  an'  I  went 
right  on  over  the  stone  fence  an'  the 
clay  bank  an'  lit  on  my  head  in  the 
water.  Dan  Pettigrew  lit  beside  me. 
Then  came  Lizzie  an'  Sam — they  fair 
ly  rained  into  the  river.  I  looked  up 
to  see  if  Aleck  was  comin',  but  he 
wasn't.  Sam,  bein'  so  heavy,  had 
stopped  quicker  an'  hit  in  shallow 
water  near  the  shore,  but,  as  luck 
would  have  it,  the  bottom  was  soft 

5  63 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

an'  he  had  come  down  feet  foremost, 
an'  a  broken  leg  an'  some  bad  bruises 
were  all  he  could  boast  of.  Lizzie 
was  in  hysterics,  but  seemed  to  be 
unhurt.  Dan  an'  I  got  'em  out  on 
the  shore,  an'  left  'em  cryin'  side  by 
side,  an'  scrambled  up  the  bank  to 
find  Aleck.  He  had  aimed  too  low 
an'  hit  the  wall,  an'  was  stunned,  an* 
apparently,  for  the  time,  dead  as  a 
herrin'  on  the  farther  side  of  it.  I 
removed  the  ten  one-thousand-dollar 
bills  from  his  person  to  prevent  com 
plications  an'  tenderly  laid  him  down. 
Then  he  came  to  very  sudden. 

"'Stop!'  he  murmured.  'You're 
robbin'  me.' 

'"Well,  you  begun  it,'  I  says. 
'Don't  judge  me  hastily.  I'm  a  phi 
lanthropist.  I'm  goin'  to  leave  you 
yer  liberty  an'  a  hundred  dollars. 
You  take  it  an'  get.  If  you  ever  re- 
64 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

turn  to  Connecticut  I'll  arrest  you  at 
sight.' 

"  I  gave  him  the  money  an'  called 
the  officer,  who  had  just  come  up. 
A  traveller  in  a  large  tourin'-car  had 
halted  near  us. 

"'Put  him  into  that  car  an'  take 
him  to  Chesterville,'  I  said. 

"  He  limped  to  the  car  an'  left  with 
out  a  word. 

"I  returned  to  my  friends  an' 
gently  broke  the  news. 

"  Sam  blubbered.  '  Education  done 
it,'  says  he,  as  he  mournfully  shook 
his  head. 

"'Yes,'  I  says.  'Education  is  re 
sponsible  for  a  damned  lot  of  igno 
rance.' 

"'An'  some  foolishness,'  says  Sam, 
as  he  scraped  the  mud  out  of  his  hair. 
'Think  of  our  goin'  like  that.     We 
ought  to  have  known  better/ 
65 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

'"We  knew  better,'  I  says,  'but 
we  had  to  keep  up  with  Lizzie/ 

"Sam  turned  toward  Lizzie  an' 
moaned  in  a  broken  voice,  '  I  wish  it 
had  killed  me.' 

'"Why  so?'  I  asked. 

'"It  costs  so  much  to  live,'  Sam 
sobbed,  in  a  half-hysterical  way.  '  I've 
got  an  expensive  family  on  my 
hands.' 

"'You  needn't  be  afraid  o'  havin' 
Lizzie  on  your  hands,'  says  Dan,  who 
held  the  girl  in  his  arms. 

" '  What  do  you  mean  ?'  Sam  in 
quired. 

" '  She's  on  my  hands  an'  she's  goin' 
to  stay  there,'  says  the  young  man. 
'  I'm  in  love  with  Lizzie  myself.  I've 
always  been  in  love  with  Lizzie.' 

"  '  Your  confession  is  ill-timed,'  says 
Lizzie,  as  she  pulled  away  an'  tried  to 
smooth  her  hair.  She  began  to  cry 
66 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

again,  an'  added,  between  sobs:  'My 
heart  is  about  broken,  and  I  must 
go  home  and  get  help  for  my  poor 
father/ 

"Til  attend  to  that/  says  Dan; 
'but  I  warn  you  that  I'm  goin'  to 
offer  a  Pettigrew  for  a  Henshaw  even. 
If  I  had  a  million  dollars  I'd  give  it 
all  to  boot.' 

"Sam  turned  toward  me,  his  face 
red  as  a  beet. 

" '  The  money!'  he  shouted.  '  Get  it, 
quick!' 

"'Here  it  is!'  I  said,  as  I  put  the 
roll  o'  bills  in  his  hand. 

"'Did  you  take  it  off  him?' 

"'I  took  it  off  him.' 

" '  Poor  Aleck!'  he  says,  mournfully, 
as  he  counted  the  money.  '  It's  kind 
o'  hard  on  him/ 

"  Soon  we  halted  a  passin'  automo 
bile  an'  got  Sam  up  the  bank  an'  over 
67 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

the  wall.  It  was  like  movin'  a  piano 
with  somebody  playin'  on  it,  but  we 
managed  to  seat  him  on  the  front 
floor  o'  the  car,  which  took  us  all 
home. 

"So  the  affair  ended  without  dis 
grace  to  any  one,  if  not  without  vio 
lence,  and  no  one  knows  of  the  cable 
gram  save  the  few  persons  directly 
concerned.  But  the  price  of  Alecks 
took  a  big  slump  in  Pointview.  No 
han'some  foreign  gent  could  marry 
any  one  in  this  village,  unless  it  was 
a  chambermaid  in  a  hotel. 

"  That  was  the  end  of  the  first  heat 
of  the  race  with  Lizzie  in  Pointview. 
Aleck  had  folded  up  his  bluff  an' 
silently  sneaked  away.  I  heard  no 
more  of  him  save  from  a  lady  with 
blond,  curly  hair  an'  a  face  done  in 
water-colors,  who  called  at  my  office 
one  day  to  ask  about  him,  an'  who 
68 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

proved  to  my  satisfaction  that  she 
was  his  wife,  an'  who  remarked  with 
real,  patrician  accent  when  I  told  her 
the  truth  about  him:  'Ah,  g'wan,  yer 
kiddin'  me. ' 

"I  began  to  explore  the  mind  of 
Lizzie,  an'  she  acted  as  my  guide  in 
the  matter.  For  her  troubles  the  girl 
was  about  equally  indebted  to  her 
parents  an'  the  Smythe  school.  Now 
the  Smythe  school  had  been  founded 
by  the  Reverend  Hopkins  Smythe, 
an  Englishman  who  for  years  had 
been  pastor  of  the  First  Congrega 
tional  Church  —  a  soothin'  man  an' 
a  favorite  of  the  rich  New-Yorkers. 
People  who  hadn't  slept  for  weeks 
found  repose  in  the  First  Congrega 
tional  Church  an'  Sanitarium  of  Point- 
view.  They  slept  an'  snored  while 
the  Reverend  Hopkins  wept  an' 
roared.  His  rhetoric  was  better  than 
69 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

bromide  or  sulphonal.  In  grateful  rec 
ollection  of  their  slumbers,  they  set 
him  up  in  business. 

"Now  I'm  agoin'  to  talk  as  mean 
as  I  feel.  Sometimes  I  get  tired  o' 
bein'  a  gentleman  an'  knock  off  for 
a  season  o'  rest  an'  refreshment. 
Here  goes!  The  school  has  some 
good  girls  in  it,  but  most  of  'em 
are  indolent  candy-eaters.  Their  life 
is  one  long,  sweet  dream  broken 
by  nightmares  of  indigestion.  Their 
study  is  mainly  a  bluff;  their  books 
a  merry  jest;  their  teachers  a  butt  of 
ridicule.  They're  the  veriest  little 
pagans.  Their  religion  is,  in  fact,  a 
kind  of  Smythology.  Its  High  Priest 
is  the  Reverend  Hopkins.  Its  Jupi 
ter  is  self.  Its  lesser  gods  are  princes, 
dukes,  earls,  counts,  an*  barons.  Its 
angels  are  actors  an'  tenors.  Its  bap 
tism  is  flattery.  Poverty  an'  work 
70 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

are  its  twin  hells.  Matrimony  is  its 
heaven,  an'  a  slippery  place  it  is. 
They  revel  in  the  best  sellers  an'  the 
worst  smellers.  They  gossip  of  in 
trigue  an'  scandal.  They  get  their  les 
sons  if  they  have  time.  They  cheat 
in  their  examinations.  If  the  teacher 
objects  she  is  promptly  an'  generally 
insulted.  She  has  to  submit  or  go — 
for  the  girls  stand  together.  It's  a 
sort  of  school-girls'  union.  They'd 
quit  in  a  body  if  their  fun  were  seri 
ously  interrupted,  an'  Mr.  Smythe 
couldn't  afford  that,  you  know.  He 
wouldn't  admit  it,  but  they've  got 
him  buffaloed. 

"Lizzie  no  sooner  got  through  than 
she  set  out  with  her  mother  to  find 
the  prince.  She  struck  Aleck  in  Italy. ' ' 

Socrates  leaned  back  and  laughed. 

"Now,  if  you  please,  I'll  climb  back 
on  my  pedestal,"  he  said. 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

" Thank  God!  Lizzie  began  to  rise 
above  her  education.  She  went  to 
work  in  her  father's  store,  an'  the 
whole  gang  o'  Lizzie-chasers  had  to 
change  their  gait  again.  She  or 
ganized  our  prosperous  young  ladies' 
club — a  model  of  its  kind — the  pur 
pose  of  which  is  the  promotion  of 
simple  livin'  an*  a  taste  for  useful 
work.  They  have  fairs  in  the  churches, 
an'  I  distribute  a  hundred  dollars  in 
cash  prizes — five  dollars  each  for  the 
best  exhibits  o'  pumpkin-pie,  chicken- 
pie,  bread,  rolls,  coffee,  roast  turkey, 
plain  an'  fancy  sewin',  an'  so  on. 
One  by  one  the  girls  are  takin'  hold 
with  us  an'  lettin'  go  o'  the  grand 
life.  They've  begun  to  take  hold  o' 
the  broom  an'  the  dish-cloth,  an'  the 
boys  seem  to  be  takin'  hold  o'  them 
with  more  vigor  an'  determination. 
The  boys  are  concluding  that  it's 
72 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

cheaper  to  buy  a  piano-player  than 
to  marry  one,  that  canned  prima- 
donnas  are  better  than  the  home 
grown  article,  that  women  are  more 
to  be  desired  than  playthings. 


IV 

IN  WHICH  THE  HAM  WAR  HAS  ITS 
BEGINNING 


day    in    the    old    time    a 
couple  of  industrious  Yankees 

were  hard  at  work  in  a  field,"  Socrates 

continued.    "  Suddenly  one  said  to  the 

other  : 

'"I  wish  I  was  worth  ten  thousand 

dollars.' 

"An'  the  other  asked: 

11  1  What  would  ye  do  with  it  ?' 

"The  wisher  rested  on  his  shovel 

an'  gave  his  friend  a  look  of  utter 

contempt. 

"'What  would  I  do  with  it?'  he 

said.     'Why,  you  cussed  fool,  I'd  set 

down  —  an'  without  blamin'  myself.' 
74 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

"  By-and-by  the  Yankee  got  to  set- 
tin'  down  without  blamin'  himself, 
an'  also  without  the  ten  thousand. 
Here  in  Pointview  we're  learnin'  how 
to  stand  up  again,  an'  Lizzie  is  re 
sponsible.  You  shall  hear  how  it 
happened. 

4 'First  I  must  tell  you  that  Dan 
had  been  makin'  little  progress  in  the 
wooin'  o'  Lizzie.  Now  she  was  in 
clined  to  go  slow.  Lizzie  was  fond  o' 
Dan.  She  put  on  her  best  clothes 
when  he  came  to  see  her  of  a  Sunday. 
She  sang  to  him,  she  walked  him  about 
the  place  with  her  arm  in  his,  but  she 
tenderly  refused  to  agree  to  marry  him. 
When  he  grew  sentimental  she  took 
him  out  among  the  cucumbers  in  the 
garden.  She  permitted  no  sudden  rise 
in  his  temperature. 

' I  will  not  marry,'  she  said,  'until 
I  have  done  what  I  can  to  repay  my 
75 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

father  for  all  that  he  has  tried  to  do 
for  me.  I  must  be  uneducated  and 
re-educated.  It  may  take  a  long 
time.  Meanwhile  you  may  meet  some 
one  you  like  better.  I'm  not  going 
to  pledge  you  to  wait  for  me.  Of 
course  I  shall  be  awfully  proud  and 
pleased  if  you  do  wait,  but,  Dan,  I 
want  you  to  be  free.  Let's  both  be 
free  until  we're  ready.' 

"  It  was  bully.  Dan  pleaded  with 
the  eloquence  of  an  old-fashioned 
lawyer.  Lizzie  stood  firm  behind  this 
high  fence,  an'  she  was  right.  With 
Dan  in  debt  an'  babies  comin',  what 
could  she  have  done  for  her  father? 
Suddenly  it  seemed  as  if  all  the  young 
men  had  begun  to  take  an  interest 
in  Lizzie,  an',  to  tell  the  truth,  she 
was  about  the  neatest,  sweetest  little 
myrmidon  of  commerce  that  ever 
wore  a  white  apron.  The  light  of 
76 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

true  womanhood  had  begun  to  shine 
in  her  face.  She  kept  the  store  in 
apple-pie  order,  an'  everybody  was 
well  treated.  The  business  grew.  Sam 
bought  a  small  farm  outside  the  vil 
lage  with  crops  in,  an'  moved  there 
for  the  summer.  Soon  he  began  to 
let  down  his  prices.  The  combine 
was  broken.  It  was  the  thing  we 
had  been  waitin'  for.  People  flocked 
to  his  store.  The  others  came  down, 
but  too  late.  Sam  held  his  gain,  an' 
Lizzie  was  the  power  behind  the  fat. 
Dan  finished  his  course  in  agriculture 
an'  I  bought  him  a  farm,  an'  he  went 
to  work  there,  but  he  spent  half  his 
time  in  the  store  of  his  father  try  in' 
to  keep  up  with  Lizzie.  Suddenly 
Dan  started  a  ham  war.  He  cut  the 
price  of  hams  five  cents  a  pound. 
Ham  was  one  of  our  great  staples,  an' 
excitement  ran  high.  Lizzie  cut  be- 
77 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

low  him  two  cents  a  pound.  Dan 
cut  the  price  again.  Lizzie  made 
no  effort  to  meet  this  competition. 
The  price  had  gone  below  the  whole 
sale  rate  by  quite  a  margin.  People 
thronged  to  Dan's  emporium.  Wom 
en  stood  on  the  battle-field,  their  necks 
blanched  with  powder,  their  cheeks 
bearin'  the  red  badge  o'  courage,  an' 
every  man  you  met  had  a  ham  in  his 
hand.  The  Pettigrew  wagon  hurried 
hither  an'  thither  loaded  with  hams. 
Even  the  best  friends  of  Sam  an' 
Lizzie  were  seen  in  Dan's  store  buyin' 
hams.  They  laid  in  a  stock  for  all 
winter.  Suddenly  Dan  quit  an'  re 
stored  his  price  to  the  old  figure. 
Lizzie  continued  to  sell  at  the  same 
price,  an'  was  just  as  cheerful  as  ever. 
She  had  won  the  fight,  an'  ye  wouldn't 
think  that  anything  unusual  had  hap 
pened;  but  wait  an'  see. 
78 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"  Every  day  boys  an'  girls  were 
droppin'  out  o'  the  clouds  an'  goin'  to 
work  try  in'  to  keep  up  with  Lizzie. 
The  hammocks  swung  limp  in  the 
breeze.  The  candy  stores  were  al 
most  deserted,  an'  those  that  sat  by 
the  fountains  were  few.  We  were 
learnin'  how  to  stand  up. 

"  One  day  Dan  came  into  my  office 
all  out  o'  gear.  He  looked  sore  an' 
discouraged.  I  didn't  wonder. 

"'What's  the  matter  now?'  I  says. 

"'I  don't  believe  Lizzie  cares  for 
me.' 

'"How's  that?'  I  says. 

"'Last  Sunday  she  was  out  riding 
with  Tom  Bryson,  an'  every  Sunday 
afternoon  I  find  half-a-dozen  young 
fellows  up  there.' 

'"Well,  ye  know,  Lizzie  is  attrac 
tive,  an'  she  ain't  our'n  yit — not  just 
yit,'  I  says.  'If  young  men  come 
6  79 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

to  see  her  she's  got  to  be  polite  to 
'em.  You  wouldn't  expect  her  to 
take  a  broom  an'  shoo  'em  off?' 

"  *  But  I  don't  have  anything  to  do 
with  other  girls.' 

"'An'  you're  jealous  as  a  hornet/ 
I  says.  '  Lizzie  wants  you  to  meet 
other  girls.  When  Lizzie  marries  it 
will  be  for  life.  She'll  want  to  know 
that  you  love  her  an'  only  her.  You 
keep  right  on  try  in'  to  catch  up  with 
Lizzie,  an'  don't  be  worried.' 

"He  stopped  strappin'  the  razor 
of  his  discontent,  but  left  me  with 
unhappy  looks.  That  very  week  I 
saw  him  ridin'  about  with  Marie  Ben 
son  in  his  father's  motor-car. 

"Soon  a  beautiful  thing  happened. 
I  have  told  you  of  the  melancholy  end 
of  the  cashier  of  one  of  our  local 
banks.  Well,  in  time  his  wife  fol 
lowed  him  to  the  cemetery.  She  was 
80 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

a  distant  relative  of  Sam's  wife  an' 
a  friend  of  Lizzie.  We  found  easy 
employment  for  the  older  children, 
an'  Lizzie  induced  her  parents  to 
adopt  two  that  were  just  out  of  their 
mother's  arms — a  girl  of  one  an'  a 
boy  of  three  years.  I  suggested  to 
Lizzie  that  it  seemed  to  me  a  serious 
undertaking,  but  she  felt  that  she 
ought  to  be  awfully  good  by  way  of 
atonement  for  the  folly  of  her  past 
life.  It  was  near  the  end  of  the  year, 
an'  I  happen  to  know  that  when 
Christmas  came  a  little  sack  contain 
ing  five  hundred  dollars  in  gold  was 
delivered  at  Sam  Henshaw's  door  for 
Lizzie  from  a  source  unknown  to  her. 
That  paid  for  the  nurse,  an'  eased  the 
situation." 


V 


IN    WHICH    LIZZIE    EXERTS    AN    INFLU 
ENCE  ON  THE  AFFAIRS  OF  THE 
RICH    AND   GREAT 

A  YEAR  after  Socrates  Potter  had 
told  of  the  descent  of  Lizzie,  and 
the  successful  beginning  of  her  new 
life,  I  called  again  at  his  office. 

"How  is  Pointview?"  I  asked. 

1 '  Did  ye  ever  learn  how  it  happened 
to  be  called  Pointview?"  he  inquired. 

"No." 

"Well,  it  began  with  a  little  tavern 
with  a  tap-room  called  the  Pointview 
House,  a  great  many  years  ago. 
Travellers  used  to  stop  an'  look 
around  for  the  Point,  an',  of  course, 
they  couldn't  see  it,  for  there's  none 
82 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

here;  at  least,  no  point  of  land. 
They'd  go  in  an'  order  drinks  an' 
say: 

'"Landlord,  where's  the  point?' 

11  An'  the  landlord  would  say : '  Well, 
boys,  if  you  ain't  in  a  hurry  you'll 
probably  see  it  purty  soon.' 

"  All  at  once  it  would  appear  to  'em, 
an'  it  was  apt  to  be  an'  amusin'  bit  o' 
scenery. 

"We've  always  been  quick  to  see 
a  point  here,  an'  anxious  to  show  it 
to  other  people." 

He  leaned  back  and  laughed  as  one 
foot  sought  the  top  of  his  desk. 

"  Our  balloons  rise  from  every  walk 
o'  life  an'  come  down  out  o'  ballast," 
he  went  on.  "Many  of  'em  touch 
ground  in  the  great  financial  aviation 
park  that  surrounds  Wall  Street.  In 
our  stages  of  recovery  the  power  of 
Lizzie  has  been  widely  felt." 
83 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

Up  went  his  other  foot.  I  saw 
that  the  historical  mood  was  upon 
him. 

"Talk  about  tryin'  to  cross  the 
Atlantic  in  an  air-ship — why,  that's 
conservative,"  he  continued.  "  Right 
here  in  the  eastern  part  o'  Connecti 
cut  lives  a  man  who  set  out  for  the 
vicinity  of  the  moon  with  a  large 
company — a  joint-stock  company— 
in  his  life-boat.  First  he  made  the 
journey  with  the  hot-air-ship  of  his 
mind,  an'  came  back  with  millions  in 
the  hold  of  his  imagination.  Then  he 
thought  he'd  experiment  with  a  cor 
poration  of  his  friends — his  surplus 
friends.  They  got  in  on  the  ground 
floor,  an*  got  out  in  the  sky.  Most 
of  'em  were  thrown  over  for  ballast. 
The  Wellman  of  this  enterprise  es 
caped  with  his  life  an*  a  little  wreck 
age.  He  was  Mr.  Thomas  Robinson 
84 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

Barrow,  an'  he  came  to  consult  me 
about  his  affairs.  They  were  in  bad 
shape. 

"'Sell  your  big  house  an'  your 
motor-cars/  I  urged. 

"'That  would  have  been  easy,9  he 
answered,  'but  Lizzie  has  spoilt  the 
market  for  luxuries.  You  remember 
how  she  got  high  notions  up  at  the 
Smythe  school,  an'  began  a  life  of 
extravagance,  an'  how  we  all  tried 
to  keep  up  with  her,  an'  how  the 
rococo  architecture  broke  out  like 
pimples  on  the  face  of  Connecticut?' 

"  I  smiled  an'  nodded. 

"'Well,  it  was  you,  I  hear,  that 
helped  her  back  to  earth  and  started 
her  in  the  simpleton  life.  Since  then 
she  has  been  going  just  as  fast,  but  in 
the  opposite  direction,  and  we're  still 
tryin'  to  keep  up  with  her.  Now  I 
found  a  man  who  was  going  to  buy 
85 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

my  property,  but  suddenly  his  wife 
decided  that  they  would  get  along 
with  a  more  modest  outfit.  She's 
trying  to  keep  up  with  Lizzie.  Folks 
are  getting  wise/ 

'"Why  don't  you?' 

"'Can't.' 

<; '  Why  not  ?' 

"'  Because  I'm  a  born  fool.  We're 
fettered;  we're  prisoners  of  luxury.' 

"  Only  a  night  or  two  before  I  had 
seen  his  wife  at  a  reception  with  a 
rope  of  pearls  in  her  riggin'  an'  a 
search-light  o'  diamonds  on  her  for 
ward  deck  an'  a  tiara-boom-de-ay  at 
her  masthead  an'  the  flags  of  opu 
lence  fly  in'  fore  an'  aft. 

'"If  I  were  you,'  I  said,  'I'd  sell 
everything — even  the  jewels/ 

" 4 My  poor  wife!'  he  exclaimed.    '  I 
haven't  the  heart  to  tell  her  all.     She 
don't  know  how  hard  up  we  are!' 
86 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

1 1  wouldn't  neglect  her  education 
if  I  were  you,'  I  said.  'There's  a 
kindness,  you  know,  that's  most  un 
kind.  Some  day  I  shall  write  an 
article  on  the  use  an'  abuse  of  tiaras 
—poor  things!  It  isn't  fair  to  over 
work  the  family  tiara.  I  suggest  that 
you  get  a  good-sized  trunk  an'  lock 
it  up  with  the  other  jewels  for  a 
vacation.  If  necessary  your  house 
could  be  visited  by  a  burglar — that 
is,  if  you  wanted  to  save  the  feelin's 
of  your  wife.' 

"He  turned  with  a  puzzled  look  at 
me. 

'Is  it  possible  that  you  haven't 
heard  of  that  trick?'  I  asked— 'a- man 
of  your  talents!' 

"He  shook  his  head. 

'  Why,  these  days,  if  a  man  wishes 
to  divorce  the  family  jewels  an'   is 
afraid  of  his  wife,  the  house  is  always 
87 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

entered  by  a  burglar.  My  dear  sir, 
the  burglar  is  an  ever-present  help 
in  time  of  trouble.  It's  a  pity  that 
we  have  no  Gentleman's  Home  Journal 
in  which  poor  but  deservin'  husbands 
could  find  encouragement  an'  inspi 
ration/ 

"  He  looked  at  me  an'  laughed. 

" '  Suppose  you  engage  a  trusty  and 
reliable  burglar?'  he  proposed. 

"' There's  only  one  in  the  world,' 
I  said. 

11 '  Who  is  it  ?' 

"'Thomas  Robinson  Barrow.  Of 
course,  I'm  not  sayin'  that  if  7  needed 
a  burglar  he's  just  the  man  I  should 
choose,  but  for  this  job  he's  the  only 
reliable  burglar.  Try  him.' 

"  He  seemed  to  be  highly  amused. 

"'But  it  might  be  difficult  to  fool 
the  police,'  he  said,  in  a  minute. 

"'Well,   it   isn't  absolutely  neces- 
88 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

sary,  you  know,'  I  suggested.     'The 
Chief  of  Police  is  a  friend  of  mine.' 

Good !  I'm  engaged  for  this  job, 
and  will  sell  the  jewels  and  turn  the 
money  over  to  you.' 

1 '  I  do  not  advise  that — not  just 
that,'  I  said.  'We'll  retire  them 
from  active  life.  A  tiara  in  the  safe 
is  worth  two  in  the  Titian  bush.  We'll 
use  them  for  collateral  an'  go  to  doin' 
business.  When  we've  paid  the  debts 
in  full  we'll  redeem  the  goods  an'  re 
turn  them  to  your  overjoyed  wife. 
We'll  launch  our  tiara  on  the  Marcel 
waves.' 

[<Tom  was  delighted  with  this  plan 
—not  the  best,   perhaps — but,   any 
how,  it  would  save  his  wife  from  re 
proach,  an'  I  don't  know  what  would 
have  happened  if  she  had  continued 
to  dazzle  an'  enrage  his  creditors  with 
the  pearls  an'  the  tiara. 
89 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"' It  will  not  be  so  easy  to  sell  the 
house,'  Tom  went  on.  'That's  our 
worst  millstone.  It  was  built  for 
large  hospitality,  and  we  have  a  good 
many  friends,  and  they  come  every 
week  and  jump  on  to  the  millstone.' 

'"If  one  has  to  have  a  millstone 
he  should  choose  it  with  discretion,' 
I  said.  'It  doesn't  pay  to  get  one 
that  is  too  inviting.  You'll  have  to 
swim  around  with  yours  for  a  while, 
and  watch  your  chance  to  slip  it  on  to 
some  other  fellow's  neck.  You  don't 
want  your  son  to  be  a  millstonaire. 
Some  day  a  man  of  millions  may  find 
it  a  comfortable  fit,  an'  relieve  you. 
They're  buyin'  places  all  about  here.' 

"Tom  left  an'  began  work  on  our 
programme.  The  burglary  was  well 
executed  an'  advertised.  It  achieved 
a  fair  amount  of  publicity — not  too 
much,  you  know,  but  enough.  The 
90 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

place  was  photographed  by  the  re 
porters  with  the  placard  '  For  Sale ' 
showin'  plainly  on  the  front  lawn. 
The  advertisin'  was  worth  almost  as 
much  as  the  diamonds.  Tom  said 
that  his  wife  had  lost  weight  since 
the  sad  event. 

'"Of  course,'  I  said.  'You  can't 
take  ten  pounds  of  jewelry  from  a 
woman  without  reducin'  her  weight. 
She  must  have  had  a  pint  o'  dia 
monds.' 

11  Pictures  an'  glowin'  accounts  of 
the  villa  were  printed  in  all  the 
papers,  an'  soon  a  millionaire  wrote 
that  it  was  just  the  place  he  was 
lookin'  for.  I  closed  the  deal  with 
him.  It  was  Bill  Warburton,  who 
used  to  go  to  school  with  me  up  there 
on  the  hills.  He  had  long  been 
dreamin'  of  a  home  in  Point  view. 

"They  used  to  say  that  Bill  was  a 
91 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

fool,  but  he  proved  an  alibi.  Went 
West  years  ago  an'  made  a  fortune, 
an'  thought  it  would  be  nice  to  come 
back  an'  finish  his  life  where  it  began, 
near  the  greatest  American  city.  I 
drew  the  papers,  an'  Bill  an'  I  got 
together  often  an'  talked  of  the  old 
happy  days,  now  glimmering  in  the 
far  past — some  thirty-five  years  away. 

"  Well,  they  enlarged  the  house- 
that  was  already  big  enough  for  a 
hotel — an'  built  stables  an'  kennels 
an'  pheasant  yards  an'  houses  for 
ducks  an'  geese  an'  peacocks.  They 
stocked  up  with  fourteen  horses, 
twelve  hounds,  nine  collies,  four  set 
ters,  nineteen  servants,  innumerable 
fowls,  an'  four  motor-cars,  an'  started 
in  pursuit  o'  happiness. 

"  You  see,  they  had  no  children,  an' 
all  these  beasts  an'   birds  were  in 
tended  to   supply  the  deficiency   in 
92 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

human  life,  an'  assist  in  the  cam 
paign.  Well,  somehow,  it  didn't  suc 
ceed,  an'  one  day  Bill  came  into  my 
office  with  a  worried  look.  He  con 
fided  to  me  the  well-known  fact  that 
his  wife  was  nervous  and  unhappy. 

'The  doctors  don't  do  her  any 
good,  an'  I  thought  I'd  try  a  lawyer,' 
said  he. 

"Do  you  want  to  sue  Fate  for 
damages  or  indict  her  for  malicious 
persecution?'  I  asked. 

"Neither,'  he  said,  'but  you  know 
the  laws  of  nature  as  well  as  the  laws 
of  men.  I  appeal  to  you  to  tell  me 
what  law  my  wife  has  broken,  and 
how  she  can  make  amends/ 

'You  surprise  me,'  I  said.  'You 
an'  the  madame  can  have  everything 
you  want,  an'  still  you're  unhappy.' 

" '  What    can  we   have    that    you 
can't  ?    You  can  eat  as  much,   an' 
93 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

sleep  better,  an'  wear  as  many  clothes, 
an'  see  an'  hear  as  well  as  we  can.' 

"'Ah,  but  in  the  matter  of  quality 
I'm  way  behind  the  flag,  Bill.  You 
can  wear  cloth  o'  gold,  an  Russian 
sables,  an'  have  champagne  an'  ter 
rapin  every  meal,  an'  fiddlers  to  play 
while  ye  eat  it,  an'  a  brass  band  to 
march  around  the  place  with  ye,  an' 
splendid  horses  to  ride,  an'  dogs  to 
roar  on  ahead  an'  attract  the  atten 
tion  of  the  populace.  You  can  have 
a  lot  of  bankrupt  noblemen  to  rub 
an'  manicure  an'  adulate  an'  chirop- 
odize  ye,  an'  people  who'd  have  to 
laugh  at  your  wit  or  look  for  another 
job,  an'  authors  to  read  from  their 
own  works— 

"Bill  interrupted  with  a  gentle  pro 
test:  'Soc,  how  comforting  you  are!' 

"'Well,  if  all  that  is  losin'  its 
charm,  what's  the  matter  with  travel  ?' 

94 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

11 '  Don't  talk' to  me  about  travel/ 
said  Bill.  'We've  worn  ruts  in  the 
earth  now.  Our  feet  have  touched 
every  land.' 

'"How  many  meals  do  you  eat  a 
day?' 

"'Three.' 

'"Try  six,'  I  suggested. 

"He  laughed,  an'  I  thought  I  was 
makin'  progress,  so  I  kept  on. 

" '  How  many  motor-cars  have  ye  ?' 

'"Four.' 

'"Get  eight,'  I  advised,  as  Bill  put 
on  the  loud  pedal.  '  You've  got  nine 
teen  servants,  I  believe,  try  thirty- 
eight.  You  have — twenty-one  dogs 
— get  forty-two.  You  can  afford  it.' 

'"Come,  be  serious,'  said  Bill. 
'Don't  poke  fun  at  me.' 

"'Ah!  but  your  wife  must  be  able 
to  prove  that  she  has  more  dogs  an' 
horses  an'  servants  an'  motor-cars, 
7  95 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

an'  that  she  eats  more  meals  in  a  day 
than  any  other  woman  in  Connecti 
cut.  Then,  maybe,  she'll  be  happy. 
You  know  it's  a  woman's  ambition 
to  excel.' 

1  We  have  too  many  fool  things 
now,'  said  Bill,  mournfully.  'She's 
had  enough  of  them — God  knows!' 

"Something  in  Bill's  manner  made 
me  sit  up  and  stare  at  him. 

' '  Of  course,  you  don't  mean  that 
she  wants  another  husband!'  I  ex 
claimed. 

'  I'm  not  so  sure  of  that,'  said  Bill, 
sadly.  'Sometimes  I'm  almost  in 
clined  to  think  she  does.' 

" '  Well,  that's  one  direction  in 
which  I  should  advise  strict  economy,' 
said  I.  'You  can  multiply  the  dogs 
an'  the  horses,  an'  the  servants  an' 
the  motor-cars,  but  in  the  matter  o' 
wives  an'  husbands  we  ought  to  stick 
96 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

to  the  simple  life.  Don't  let  her  go 
to  competing  with  those  Fifth  Avenue 
ladies.' 

" '  I  don't  know  what's  the  matter,' 
Bill  went  on.  'She's  had  everything 
that  her  heart  could  wish.  But,  of 
course,  she  has  had  only  one  husband, 
and  most  of  her  friends  have  had 
two  or  three.  They've  outmarried 
her.  It  may  be  that,  secretly,  she's 
just  a  little  annoyed  about  that. 
Many  of  her  old  friends  are  consumed 
with  envy;  their  bones  are  rotten 
with  it.  They  smile  upon  her;  they 
accept  her  hospitality;  they  declare 
their  love,  and  they  long  for  her 
downfall.  Now,  my  wife  has  a  cer 
tain  pride  and  joy  in  all  this,  but, 
naturally,  it  breeds  a  sense  of  loneli 
ness — the  bitter  loneliness  that  one 
may  find  only  in  a  crowd.  She  turns 
more  and  more  to  me,  and,  between 
97 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

ourselves,  she  seems  to  have  made 
up  her  mind  that  I  don't  love  her, 
and  I  can't  convince  her  that  I  do.' 

'"Well,  Bill,  I  should  guess  that 
you  have  always  been  fond  of  your 
wife — and — true  to  her/ 

"'And  you  are  right,'  said  Bill. 
'I've  loved  with  all  my  heart  and 
with  a  conscience.  It's  my  only 
pride,  for,  of  course,  I  might  have 
been  gay.  In  society  I  enjoy  a  rep 
utation  for  firmness.  It  is  no  idle 
boast.' 

" '  Well,  Bill,  you  can't  do  anything 
more  for  her  in  the  matter  of  food, 
raiment,  beasts,  or  birds,  an'  as  to 
jewelry  she  carries  a  pretty  heavy 
stock.  I  often  feel  the  need  of 
smoked  glasses  when  I  look  at  her. 
You'll  have  to  make  up  your  mind 
as  to  whether  she  needs  more  or  less. 
I'll  study  the  situation  myself.  It 
98 


KEEPING   UP  WITH   LIZZIE 

may  be  that  I  can  suggest  something 
by  -  and  -  by  —  just  as  a  matter  of 
friendship.' 

1  Your  common  sense  may  dis 
cern  what  is  needed,'  said  Bill.  'I 
wish  you'd  come  at  least  once  a  week 
to  dinner.  My  wife  would  be  de 
lighted  to  have  you,  Soc.  You  are 
one  of  the  few  men  who  interest 
her.' 

"She  was  a  pretty  woman,  distin 
guished  for  a  look  of  weariness  and 
a  mortal  fear  of  fat.  She  had  done 
nothing  so  hard  an'  so  long,  that,  to 
her,  nothing  was  all  there  was  in  the 
world — save  fat.  She  was  so  busy 
about  it  that  she  couldn't  sit  still  an' 
rest.  She  wandered  from  one  chair 
to  another,  smokin'  a  cigarette,  an* 
now  and  then  glancin'  at  her  image 
in  a  mirror  an'  slyly  feelin'  her  ribs 
to  see  if  she  had  gained  flesh  that  day. 
99 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

She  liked  me  because  I  was  unlike 
any  other  man  she  had  met.  I 
poked  fun  at  her  folly  an'  all  the 
grandeur  of  the  place.  I  amused  her 
as  much  as  she  amused  me,  perhaps. 
Anyhow,  we  got  to  be  good  friends, 
an'  the  next  Sunday  we  all  drove  out 
in  a  motor  -  car  to  see  Lizzie.  Mrs. 
Bill  wanted  to  meet  her.  Lizzie  had 
become  famous.  She  was  walkin'  up 
an'  down  the  lawn  with  the  infant  in 
a  perambulator,  an'  the  small  boy 
toddling  along  behind  her.  We  left 
Mrs.  Bill  with  Lizzie  an'  the  kids,  an' 
set  out  for  a  tramp  over  the  big  farm. 
When  we  returned  we  found  the  ladies 
talkin'  earnestly  in  the  house. 

"Before  we  left  I  called  Lizzie 
aside  for  a  minute. 

11 '  How  do  you  get  along  with  these 
babies?'  I  asked. 

"'They're   the   life   of   our   home. 

100 


WE      SET      OUT       FOR      A      TRAMP      OVER      THE      BIG       FARM 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

My   father   and   mother   think   they 
couldn't  live  without  them.' 

"'An'  they're  good  practice  for 
you, '  I  suggested.  '  It's  time  you  were 
plannin'  for  yourself,  Lizzie.' 

"'I've  no  prospects,'  said  she. 

"'How  is  that?' 

"'Why,  there's  only  one  boy  that 
I  care  for,  an'  he  has  had  enough  of 
me.' 

"'You  don't  mean  Dan?' 

'Yes,'  she  whispered  with  trem 
bling  lips,  an'  turned  away. 

'"What's  the  matter?' 

"She  pulled  herself  together  an' 
answered  in  half  a  moment:  'Oh,  I 
don't  know!  He  doesn't  come  often. 
He  goes  around  with  other  girls.' 

"'Well,'  I  said,  'it's  the  same  ol' 
story.  He's  only  tryin'  to  keep  up 
with  Lizzie.  You've  done  some  goin' 
around  yourself.' 

101 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

'"I  know,  but  I  couldn't  help  it.' 

'"He  knows,  an'  he  couldn't  help 
it,'  I  says.  'The  boys  have  flocked 
around  you,  an'  the  girls  have  flocked 
around  Dan.  They  were  afraid  he'd 
get  lonesome.  If  I  were  you  I'd  put 
a  mortgage  on  him  an'  foreclose  it  as 
soon  as  possible.' 

"'It's  too  late,'  says  she.  'I  hear 
he's  mortgaged.' 

" '  You'd  better  search  the  records,' 
I  says,  'an'  if  it  ain't  so,  stop  bein' 
careless.  You've  put  yer  father  on 
his  feet.  Now  look  out  for  yerself.' 

" ' I  think  he's  angry  on  account  of 
the  ham  war,'  says  she. 

"'  Why  do  you  think  that?' 

"She  told  me  the  facts,  an'  I 
laughed  'til  the  tears  came  to  my 
eyes. 

"'Nonsense,'  I  says,  'Dan  will  like 
that.  You  wait  'til  I  tell  him,  an' 

102 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

hell  be  up  here  with  his  throttle  wide 
open. ' 

"'Do  you  suppose  he'd  spend 
Christmas  with  us?'  she  asked,  with 
a  very  sober  look.  'You  know,  his 
mother  an'  father  have  gone  South, 
an'  he'll  be  all  alone/ 

" '  Ask  him  at  once — call  him  on  the 
'phone,'  I  advised,  an'  bade  her  good 
bye. 

1  'The  happiness  o'  Lizzie  an'  the 
charm  o'  those  kids  had  suggested  an 
idea.  I  made  up  my  mind  that  I'd 
try  to  put  Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Bill  on  the 
job  o'  keepin'  up  with  Lizzie. 

"'That's  a  wonderful  woman,'  said 
Mrs.  Bill,  as  we  drove  away.  '  I  envy 
her — she's  so  strong  and  well  and 
happy.  She  loves  those  babies,  and  is 
in  the  saddle  every  afternoon,  help 
ing  with  the  work  o'  the  farm.' 

" '  Why  don't  you  get  into  the  sad- 
103 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

die  and  be  as  well  and  strong  as  she 
is  ?'  Bill  asked. 

"  '  Because  I've  no  object — it's  only 
a  way  of  doing  nothing,'  said  Mrs. 
Bill.  'I'm  weary  of  riding  for  exer 
cise.  There  never  was  a  human  being 
who  could  keep  it  up  long.  It's  like 
you  and  your  dumb-bells.  To  my 
knowledge  you  haven't  set  a  foot  in 
your  gymnasium  for  a  month.  As 
a  matter  of  fact,  you're  as  tired  of 
play  as  I  am,  every  bit.  Why  don't 
you  go  into  Wall  Street  an'  get  poor  ?' 

'"Tired  of  play!'  Bill  exclaimed. 
'Why,  Grace,  night  before  last  you 
were  playing  bridge  until  three  o'clock 
in  the  morning/ 

" '  Well,  it's  a  way  of  doing  nothing 
skilfully  and  on  the  competitive  plan/ 
said  she.  'It  gives  me  a  chance  to 
measure  my  capacity.  When  I  get 
through  I  am  so  weary  that  often  I 
104 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

can  go  to  sleep  without  thinking.  It 
seems  to  me  that  brains  are  a  great 
nuisance  to  one  who  has  no  need  of 
them.  Of  course,  by-and-by,  they'll 
atrophy  and  disappear  like  the  tails 
of  our  ancestors.  Meanwhile,  I  sup 
pose  they  are  bound  to  get  sore. 
Mine  is  such  a  fierce,  ill-bred,  impu 
dent  sort  of  a  brain,  and  it's  as  busy 
as  a  bat  in  a  belfry.  I  often  wish  that 
I  had  one  of  those  soft,  flexible, 
paralytic,  cocker-spaniel  brains,  like 
that  of  our  friend  Mrs.  Seavey.  She 
is  so  happy  with  it  —  so  unterrified. 
She  is  equally  at  home  in  bed  or  on 
horseback,  reading  the  last  best  sell 
er  or  pouring  tea  and  compliments. 
Now  just  hear  how  this  brain  of  mine 
is  going  on  about  that  poor,  inoffen 
sive  creature!  But  that's  the  way 
it  treats  me.  It's  a  perfect  heathen 
of  a  brain/ 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"Bill  an'  I  looked  at  each  other 
an*  laughed.  Her  talk  convinced  me 
of  one  thing — that  her  trouble  was 
not  the  lack  of  a  brain. 

"'  You're  always  making  fun  of 
me/  she  said.  'Why  don't  you  give 
me  something  to  do?' 

11  'Suppose  you  wash  the  dishes?' 
said  Bill. 

"'Would  it  please  you?' 

" '  Anything  that  pleases  you  pleases 
me.' 

"  I  saw  that  she,  too,  was  goin'  to 
try  to  keep  up  with  Lizzie,  an'  I  de 
cided  that  I'd  help  her.  When  we 
arrived  at  the  villa  we  made  our  way 
to  its  front  door  through  a  pack  of 
collie  dogs  out  for  an  airing. 

'"By -the -way,'  I  said,  when  we 
sat  down  to  luncheon  at  Bill's  house, 
'congratulate  me.  I'm  a  candidate 
for  new  honors.' 

1 06 


I'M      A      CANDIDATE      FOR       NEW       HONORS" 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

'Those  of  a  husband?  I've  been 
hoping  for  that — you  stubborn  old 
bachelor,'  said  Mrs.  Bill,  expectantly. 

'"No/  I  answered,  'I'm  to  be  a 
father.' 

"Bill  put  down  his  fork  an'  turned 
an'  stared  at  me.  Mrs.  Bill  leaned 
back  in  her  chair  with  a  red  look  of 
surprise. 

"'The  gladdest,  happiest  papa  in 
Connecticut,'  I  added. 

"Mrs.  Bill  covered  her  face  with 
her  napkin  an*  began  to  shake. 

"'S-Soc.,  have  you  fallen?'  Bill 
stammered. 

'"No,  I've  riz,'  I  said.  'Don't 
blame  me,  ol'  man,  I  had  to  do  it. 
I've  adopted  some  orphans.  I'm  go- 
in'  to  have  an  orphanage  on  the  hill; 
but  it  will  take  a  year  to  finish 
it.  I'm  goin'  to  have  five  children. 
They're  beauties,  an'  I  know  that  I'm 
107 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

goin'  to  love  them.  I  propose  to  take 
them  out  of  the  atmosphere  of  in 
digence  an'  wholesale  charity.  They'll 
have  a  normal,  pleasant  home,  an'  a 
hired  mother  an'  me  to  look  after  them 
—the  personal  touch,  you  know.  I  ex 
pect  to  have  a  lot  of  fun  with  them.' 

"'But  what  a  responsibility!'  said 
Mrs.  Bill. 

lt '  I  know,  but  I  feel  the  need  of  it. 
Of  course  it's  different  with  you— 
very  different — you  have  all  these 
dogs  an'  horses  to  be  responsible  for 
an'  to  give  you  amusement.  I 
couldn't  afford  that.  Then,  too,  I'm 
a  little  odd,  I  guess.  I  can  get  more 
fun  out  of  one  happy,  human  soul 
than  out  of  all  the  dogs  an'  horses 
in  creation.' 

'"But  children!     Why,  they're  so 
subject  to  sickness  and  accident  and 
death,'  said  Mrs.  Bill. 
1 08 


KEEPING   UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

" '  An'  they're  subject,  also,  to  health 
an'  life  an'  safety,'  I  answered. 

"'Yes,  but  you  know — they'll  be 
getting  into  all  kinds  of  trouble. 
They'll  worry  you.' 

"'True;  but  as  for  worry,  I  don't 
mind  that  much,'  I  said.  'My  best 
days  were  those  that  were  full  of 
worry.  Now,  that  I've  won  a  com 
petence  an'  my  worries  are  gone,  so 
is  half  my  happiness.  You  can't  have 
sunshine  without  shadows.  There  was 
one  of  my  neighbors  who  was  troubled 
with  "boils."  He  had  to  have  'em 
cured  right  away,  an'  a  doctor  gave 
him  some  medicine  that  healed  'em 
up,  but  he  was  worse  off  than  ever. 
The  boils  began  to  do  business  inside 
of  him,  an'  he  rushed  back  to  the 
doctor. 

'""  What's  the  matter  now?"  said 
the  medical  man. 

109 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

" '"  Outside  I'm  sound  as  a  dollar/' 
said  my  neighbor,  *'  but  it  seems  as 
if  all  hell  had  moved  into  me." 

" '  Now,  cares  are  like  boils:  it  don't 
do  to  get  rid  of  'em  too  quick.  They're 
often  a  great  relief  to  the  inside  of  a 
man,  an'  it's  better  to  have  'em  on 
the  surface  than  way  down  in  your 
marrow.' 

"Bill  an'  his  wife  looked  into  each 
other's  eyes  for  half  a  minute,  but 
neither  spoke. 

"Tm  go  in'  to  ask  a  favor  of  you/ 
I  said.  '  I  see  that  there's  nobody 
livin'  in  the  old  farm-house  out  back 
of  the  garden.  I  wish  you'd  let  me 
put  my  little  family  into  it  until  I 
can  build  a  home  for  'em.' 

'"Oh,    my!'    Mrs.    Bill    exclaimed. 
'Those  children  would  be  running  all 
over    the    lawns    and    the    garden. 
They'd  destroy  my  roses/ 
no 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

"'True;  but,  after  all,  they're  more 
beautiful  than  the  roses,'  I  urged. 
'They're  more  graceful  in  form,  more 
charming  in  color.  Then,  too,  roses 
cannot  laugh  or  weep  or  play.  Roses 
cannot  look  up  at  you  out  of  eyes 
full  of  the  light  of  heaven  an'  brighter 
than  your  jewels.  Roses  may  delight, 
but  they  cannot  love  you  or  know 
that  you  love  them.  Dear  woman, 
my  roses  will  wander  over  the  lawns. 
Their  colors  will  be  flickering  about 
you,  and  the  music  of  their  voices 
will  surround  the  villa  some  days; 
but,  God  knows,  they'll  look  better, 
far  better  than  the  dogs  or  the  bronze 
lions,  or  the  roses.  I  shall  dress  them 
well.' 

'"I  think  he's  right,'  said  Bill. 

"'He's  most  disturbing  and  per 
suasive  anyway — the  revolutionist!' 
said  Mrs.  Bill.  '  If  it's  really  a  favor 

8  III 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

to  you,  Mr.  Potter,  I  shall  agree  to 
it.  But  you  must  have  a  trusty 
woman.  I  really  cannot  assume  any 
responsibility/ 

"I  thanked  her  and  promised  to 
assume  all  responsibility,  and  Mrs. 
Warburton  was  to  get  the  old  house 
ready  at  once. 

"Three  days  later  I  drove  to  the 
villa  with  my  matron  and  the  babies. 
Rather  quick  work,  wasn't  it?  I 
hadn't  let  any  grass  grow  under  my 
plan.  When  we  lit  at  the  front  door 
every  youngster  broke  out  in  a  loud 
hurrah  of  merriment.  The  three- 
year-old  boy — beautiful  beyond  all 
words — got  aboard  one  of  the  crouch 
ed  lions  and  began  to  shout.  A  little 
girl  made  a  grab  at  the  morning- 
glories  on  a  Doric  column,  while  her 
sister  had  mounted  a  swinging  seat 
an'  tumbled  to  the  floor.  The  other 

112 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

two  were  chattering  like  parrots. 
Honestly,  I  was  scared.  I  was  afraid 
that  Mrs.  Bill  would  come  down  and 
jump  into  hysterics.  I  snaked  the 
boy  off  the  lion's  back  and  rapped  on 
him  for  order.  The  matron  got  busy 
with  the  others.  In  a  jiffy  it  seemed 
as  if  they  had  all  begun  to  wail  an' 
roar.  I  trembled  when  a  maid  open 
ed  the  door  an'  I  saw  Mrs.  Bill  comin' 
down  the  staircase.  I  wouldn't  have 
been  surprised  to  have  seen  the  bronze 
lion  get  up  an'  run. 

1  The  saints  defend  us !'  exclaimed 
Mrs.  Bill,  in  the  midst  of  the  uproar. 

"'They're    not    at    their    best/    I 
shouted,  'but  here  they  are/ 

"'Yes,  I  knew  they  were  there/ 
said  Mrs.  Bill.  'This  is  the  music 
of  which  you  were  speaking  the  other 
day.  Take  them  right  around  to  the 
old  house,  if  you  please.  I'm  sorry, 
"3 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

but  I  must  ask  you  to  excuse  me  this 
morning. ' 

"I  succeeded  in  quellin'  the  tu 
mult,  and  introduced  the  matron, 
who  received  a  nod  an'  a  look  that 
made  a  dent  in  her,  an'  away  we  went 
around  the  great  house,  a  melancholy, 
shuffling  troop,  now  silent  as  the  grave. 
It  looked  dark  for  my  little  battalion 
with  which  I  had  been  hoping  to 
conquer  this  world  within  the  villa 
gates.  They  were  of  the  great  army 
of  the  friendless. 

"  I  asked  Mrs.  Hammond,  the  ma 
tron,  to  see  that  they  did  as  little 
damage  as  possible,  and  left  them 
surrounded  by  every  comfort. 

4 'They  had  a  telephone  and  un 
limited  credit  at  the  stores,  an'  Mrs. 
Hammond  was  a  motherly  soul  of 
much  experience  with  children,  an' 
I  knew  that  I  could  trust  her. 

114 


THE      BOY      EXERTED      HIS      CHARMS      UPON 
MY      LADY      WARBURTON 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"I  was  to  dine  with  the  Warbur- 
tons  later  in  the  week,  an'  before  I 
entered  the  big  house  that  evening 
I  went  around  to  the  lodge.  The 
children  were  all  well  an'  asleep  in 
their  beds,  an'  the  matron  apparently 
happy  an'  contented.  She  said  that 
Mrs.  Bill  had  met  them  in  the  grounds 
that  day,  an'  she  told  how  the  lit 
tle  three-year-old  boy  had  exerted  his 
charms  upon  my  lady  Warburton, 
who  had  spent  half  an  hour  leading 
him  through  the  gardens. 

11  How  beautiful  he  was  lying  asleep 
in  his  bed  that  evening! — his  face 
like  the  old  dreams  of  Eros,  with 
silken,  yellow,  curly  locks  on  his  brow, 
an'  long  dark  lashes,  soft  as  the  silk 
of  the  growing  corn,  an'  a  red  mouth, 
so  wonderfully  curved,  so  appealing 
in  its  silence.  Beneath  it  were  teeth 
like  carved  ivory.  Those  baby  lips 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

seemed  to  speak  to  me  and  to  say: 
*O  man  that  was  born  of  a  woman, 
and  like  me  was  helpless,  give  me 
your  love  or  look  not  upon  me!' 

"But  I  could  not  help  looking,  an' 
as  I  looked  he  smiled  in  what  dreams 
— of  things  past  or  to  come — I  wish 
it  were  in  me  to  tell  you.  Something 
touched  me — like  a  strong  hand.  I 
went  out  under  the  trees  in  the  dark 
ness  an'  stood  still  an'  wondered  what 
had  happened  to  me.  Great  Scott! 
—me!  Socrates  Potter,  lawyer,  states 
man,  horse-trader! 

'"With  that  little  captain  I  could 
take  a  city,'  I  whispered,  an'  I  got 
up  an'  brushed  myself  off,  as  it  were, 
an'  walked  around  to  the  front  door 
of  the  great  house. 

"  Therein  I  was  to  witness  an 
amusing  comedy.  The  butler  wore 
a  new  sort  of  grin  as  he  took  my 
116 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

wraps  at  the  door.  There  were  guests, 
mostly  from  New  York  an'  Green 
wich.  We  had  taken  our  seats  at 
the  table  when,  to  my  surprise,  Mrs. 
Bill,  in  a  grand  costume,  with  a  tiara 
on  her  head,  an'  a  collar  of  diamonds 
on  her  neck,  began  to  serve  the  caviar. 

"'  Ladies  and  gentlemen,'  said  she, 
'  this  is  to  convince  Mr.  Socrates  Pot 
ter  that  I  can  do  useful  work.  I'm 
dieting,  anyhow,  and  I  can't  eat.' 

" '  My  friend,  I  observe  that  you  are 
serving  us,  and  we  are  proud,  but  you 
do  not  appear  to  be  serving  a  pur 
pose,'  I  said. 

"  '  Now,  don't  spoil  it  all  with  your 
relentless  logic,'  she  began.  '  You  see, 
I  am  going  to  take  a  hand  in  this 
keeping-up-with-Lizzie  business.  One 
of  our  ladies  had  to  give  up  a  dinner 
party  the  other  day,  because  her  but 
lers  had  left  suddenly.' 
117 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

'""Why  didn't  you  and  a  maid 
serve  the  dinner  yourselves?"  I  said. 

" ' "  Impossible!"  was  her  proud  an 
swer. 

"'"It  would  have  been  a  fine  lark. 
I  would  have  done  it,"  I  said. 

" '"  I'd  like  to  see  you, "  she  laughed. 

" ' "  You  shall,"  I  answered,  and  here 
I  am/ 

"Now,  there  were  certain  smiles 
which  led  me  to  suspect  that  it  was 
a  blow  aimed  at  one  of  the  ladies 
who  sat  at  the  table  with  us,  but  of 
that  I  am  not  sure. 

'"I'm  also  getting  my  hand  in,' 
our  hostess  went  on.  '  Bill  and  I  are 
going  to  try  the  simple  life.  To 
morrow  we  move  into  the  log-cabin, 
where  we  shall  do  our  own  work,  and 
send  the  servants  off  for  a  week's 
holiday.  I'm  going  to  do  the  cook 
ing — I've  been  learning  how — and  I 
iz8 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

shall  make  the  beds,  and  Bill  is  to 
chop  the  wood,  and  help  wash  the 
dishes,  and  we  shall  sleep  out-of- 
doors.  It  will,  I  hope,  be  a  lesson 
to  some  of  these  proud  people  around 
us  who  are  living  beyond  their  means. 
That's  good,  isn't  it  ?' 

'" Excellent!'  I  exclaimed,  as  the 
others  laughed. 

"'Incidentally,  it  will  help  me  to 
reduce,'  she  added. 

"'An'  it  promises  to  reduce  Bill,' 
I  said.  'It  will  kill  Bill,  I  fear,  but 
it  will  pay.  You  might  change  your 
plan  a  little — just  a  little — an'  save 
poor  Bill.  Think  of  eating  biscuit  an' 
flapjacks  from  the  hand  of  a  social 
leader!  Between  the  millstones  of 
duty  and  indigestion  he  will  be  sadly 
ground,  but  with  the  axe  he  may,  if 
he  will,  defend  his  constitution/ 

'"Well,  what's  a  constitution  be- 
119 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

tween  husband  and  wife?'  she 
asked. 

'"NothinV  I  says.  'Bear  in  mind 
I  wouldn't  discourage  you.  With  the 
aid  of  the  axe  his  ancestors  were  able 
to  withstand  the  assaults  of  pork  an' 
beans  an*  pie.  If  he  uses  it  freely,  he 
is  safe.' 

"'You  see,  I  shall  have  him  in  a 
position  where  he  must  work  or  die,' 
said  Mrs.  Bill. 

'"He'll  die,'  said  a  guest. 

"'I  call  it  a  worthy  enterprise  what 
ever  the  expense,'  I  said.  'It  will 
set  a  fashion  here  an'  a  very  good  one. 
In  this  community  there  are  so  many 
dear  ladies  who  are  prisoners  of  gravi 
tation.  They  rely  almost  exclusively 
on  hired  hands  an'  feet,  an'  are  losin' 
the  use  o'  their  own.  What  confu 
sion  will  spread  among  them  when 
they  learn  that  Mrs.  William  Henry 

120 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

Warburton,  the  richest  woman  in 
Fairfield  County,  and  the  daughter 
of  a  bishop,  has  been  doin'  her  own 
work!  What  consternation!  What 
dismay !  What  female  profanity ! 
What  a  revision  of  habits  an'  reso 
lutions!  Why,  there's  been  nothin' 
like  it  since  the  descent  of  Lizzie/ 

"'I  think  it's  terrible,'  said  a  fat 
lady  from  Louisville,  distinguished 
for  her  appetite,  an'  often  surrepti 
tiously  referred  to  as  '  The  Mammoth 
Cave  of  Kentucky.'  'The  idea  of 
trying  to  make  it  fashionable  to  en 
dure  drudgery!  I  think  we  women 
have  all  we  can  do  now.' 

"'To  be  respectable,'  said  Mrs. 
Bill;  'but  let's  try  to  do  something 
else.' 

"'Why  don't  you  form  a  Ladies' 
Protective  Union,'  Bill  suggested,  'an' 
choose  the  tiara  for  a  symbol,  an' 

121 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

strike  for  no  hours  a  day  an'  all  your 
husbands  can  earn  ?' 

'"And  the  employment  of  skilled 
idlers  only,'  Mrs.  Bill  put  in.  'They 
must  all  know  how  to  do  nothing  in 
the  modern  way — by  discussing  the 
rights  of  women  and  the  novel  of 
lust,  and  the  divorces  past  and  pro 
spective,  by  playing  at  bridge  and 
benevolence.  How  absurd  it  all  is! 
I'm  not  going  to  be  an  overgrown 
child  any  longer.' 

"I  saw  that  Mrs.  Bill  was  makin' 
progress,  an'  with  her  assistance  I 
began  to  hope  for  better  things  in 
that  neighborhood. 

"You've  got  to  reach  the  women 
somehow,  you  see,  before  you  can 
improve  the  social  conditions  of  a 
community.  I  love  them,  but  many 
are  overgrown  children,  as  Mrs.  Bill 
had  put  it,  an'  doin'  nothing  with 

122 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

singular  skill  an'  determination  an* 
often  with  appalling  energy. 

"  Our  pretty  hostess  had  been  help 
ing  a  butler,  as  this  talk  went  on, 
an'  presently  one  of  the  other  ladies 
joined  her,  an'  never  was  any  com 
pany  so  picturesquely  an'  amusingly 
served. 

"'I've  quite  fallen  in  love  with  that 
three-year-old  boy,'  said  Mrs.  Bill, 
as  we  rose  from  the  table.  *  I  had  a 
good  romp  with  him  to-day.' 

'"I  wish  you'd  go  over  to  the  old 
farm-house  with  me;  I  want  to  show 
you  something,'  I  said. 

"In  a  moment  we  were  in  wraps 
an'  making  our  way  across  the 
lawn. 

"'I  was  glad  to  get  a  rap  at  that 

Mrs.  Barrow,'  she  whispered,  as  we 

walked  along.     'She's  just  got  back 

her  jewels  that  were  stolen,  and  has 

123 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

begun  to  go  out  again.  She's  the 
vainest,  proudest  fool  of  a  woman, 
and  her  husband  is  always  borrow 
ing  money.  Did  you  know  it  ?' 

" '  Some — that  is,  fairly  well/  I  said, 
with  bitterness. 

" '  So  does  Bill,  and  she  goes  about 
with  the  airs  of  a  grand  lady  and  the 
silliest  notions.  Really,  it  was  for 
her  benefit  that  I  helped  the  butler.' 

'"If  it  weren't  for  Bill  I'd  call  you 
an  angel,'  I  said.  'You  have  it  in 
your  power  to  redeem  the  skilled 
idlers  of  this  community/ 

"We  reached  the  little  house  so 
unlike  the  big,  baronial  thing  we  had 
left.  It  was  a  home.  Mrs.  Ham 
mond  sat  by  the  reading-lamp  in  its 
cozy  sitting-room  before  an  open  fire. 
She  led  us  into  the  bedroom  with  the 
lamp  in  her  hand.  There  lay  the 
boy  as  I  had  left  him,  still  smiling 
124 


SHE      LED      US      INTO      THE      BEDROOM 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

with  a  lovelier,  softer  red  in  his  cheeks 
than  that  of  roses. 

"'See  the  color  and  the  dimples,' 
I  said. 

"She  looked  from  one  to  another, 
an'  suddenly  the  strong  appeal  of 
their  faces  fell  upon  her.  She  raised 
the  boy  from  his  bed,  an'  he  put  his 
arms  around  her  neck  an'  began  to 
talk  in  a  tender  baby  treble. 

"Did  you  ever  hear  the  voice  of 
a  child  just  out  of  dreamland,  when 
it  expresses,  not  complaint,  but  love 
an'  contentment  ?  Well,  sir,  it  is  the 
sweetest,  the  most  compelling  note 
in  all  nature,  I  believe.  It  is  like 
a  muted  violin — voice  of  God  or  voice 
of  man — which  is  it  ?  I  dare  not  say, 
but  I  do  know  that  the  song  of  the 
hermit-thrush  is  but  sounding  brass 
compared  with  that. 

"  I  felt  its  power,  an'  I  said  to  my- 
125 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

self:  'I  will  waste  my  life  no  longer. 
I  will  marry/ 

"She,  too,  had  felt  it.  The  little 
captain  had  almost  overcome  her. 
She  laid  him  down,  an'  we  turned 
away. 

"We  walked  through  the  garden 
paths,  an'  neither  spoke,  but  in  the 
stillness  I  could  hear  trumpets  of  vic 
tory.  We  entered  the  great  hall  an' 
sat  with  the  others  by  its  fireside, 
but  took  little  part  in  the  talk.  When 
I  made  my  adieus  she  shook  my 
hand  warmly  and  said  I  was  very 
good  to  them. 

"Save  for  its  good  example,  the 
log-cabin  experiment  was  not  a  suc 
cess.  They  slept  with  all  the  doors 
and  windows  open,  an'  one  night  a 
skunk  came  in  an'  got  under  the  bed. 
Mrs.  Bill  discovered  that  they  had 
company,  an'  Bill  got  up  an'  lit  the 
126 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

lantern,  an'  followed  the  clew  to  its 
source.  He  threatened  an'  argued  an' 
appealed  to  the  skunk's  better  nature 
with  a  doughnut,  but  the  little  beast 
sat  unmoved  in  his  corner.  The  place 
seemed  to  suit  him. 

"  Bill  got  mad  an'  flung  the  axe  at 
him.  It  was  a  fatal  move — fatal  to 
the  skunk  an'  the  cabin  an'  the  ex 
periment,  an'  a  blow  to  the  sweetness 
an'  sociological  condition  of  Connect 
icut. 

"They  returned  to  the  big  house, 
an'  by-an'-by  told  me  of  their  ad 
venture. 

"'Don't  be  discouraged,'  I  said. 
'You  will  find  skunks  in  every  walk 
of  life,  but  when  you  do,  always  throw 
down  your  cards  an'  quit  the  game. 
They  can  deal  from  the  bottom  of 
the  pack.  You  haven't  a  ghost  of  a 
show  with  'em.' 

9  127 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"Being  driven  out  of  the  cabin, 
Mrs.  Bill  gave  most  of  her  leisure  to 
the  farm-house,  where  I  had  spent  an 
hour  or  more  every  day. 

"Suddenly  I  saw  that  a  wonderful 
thing  had  happened  to  me.  I  was  in 
love  with  those  kids,  an'  they  with  me. 
The  whole  enterprise  had  been  a  bluff 
conceived  in  the  interest  of  the  War- 
burtons.  I  hadn't  really  intended  to 
build  a  house,  but  suddenly  I  got 
busy  with  all  the  mechanics  I  could 
hire  in  Pointview,  and  the  house  be 
gan  to  grow  like  a  mushroom. 

"Another  wonderful  thing  hap 
pened.  Mrs.  Warburton  fell  in  love 
with  the  kids,  and  they  with  her. 
She  romped  with  them  on  the  lawn; 
she  took  them  out  to  ride  every  day; 
she  put  them  to  bed  every  night ;  she 
insisted  upon  buying  their  clothes; 
she  bought  them  a  pony  an'  a  little 
128 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

omnibus;  she  built  them  a  playhouse 
for  their  comfort.  The  whole  villa 
began  to  revolve  around  the  children. 
They  called  her  mama  an'  they  called 
me  papa,  a  sufficiently  singular  situa 
tion. 


VI 

IN  WHICH  THE   PURSUIT  OF   LIZZIE 
BECOMES  HIGHLY  SERIOUS 


had  been  out  of  town,  an* 
immediately  on  his  return  he 
came  to  my  office. 

11  '  How's  business  ?'  I  asked. 

"'Well,  the  ham  war  was  a  little 
hard  on  us,  but  we're  picking  up/ 
says  he.  'They're  still  selling  hams 
way  below  a  decent  price  over  at 
Henshaw's.  I  don't  see  how  they 
can  do  it/ 

"'I  do,'  I  says. 

'"Please  explain/  says  Dan. 

"  '  Don't  you  know  that  Lizzie  was 
buyin'  most  o'  those  hams  that  you 
sold  way  below  the  wholesale  price, 
130 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

an'   that   she's  now  makin'   a  good 
profit  on  'em?'  I  says. 

"Great  Scott!'  Dan  exclaimed,  as 
he  sank  in  a  chair. 

"'The  fact  is,  Dan,  the  only  way 
to  keep  up  with  that  girl  is  to  marry 
her,'  says  I.  '  Get  busy.  If  you  don't 
somebody  else  will.  Put  a  mortgage 
on  her  an'  foreclose  it  as  soon  as  pos 
sible.  As  a  noatin'  asset  Lizzie  is  dan 
gerous.' 

"  Dan  picked  up  his  hat  an'  started 
for  the  door. 

'Tell  her  she  must  do  business  or 
you'll  cut  the  price  of  Pettigrews,'  I 
suggested. 

"'Good  idea!'  he  answered,  as  he 
went  away. 

"Meanwhile  Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Bill 
Warburton  were  hot  on  the  trail  of 
Lizzie. 

"  Bill  came  to  me  one  day  an'  said: 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

*  Those  babies  have  solved  the  prob 
lem;  my  wife  is  happy  and  in  excel 
lent  health.  She  sleeps  an*  eats  as 
well  as  ever,  an*  her  face  has  a  new 
look — you  have  observed  it?' 

"'Certainly,  Bill,  an*  you're  goin' 
to  hear  some  rather  chesty  an'  su 
perior  talk.  I  saw  what  was  the 
matter  long  ago — she  was  motor-sick, 
an'  tiara-sick,  an'  dog-sick,  an'  horse- 
sick.  She  was  sick  of  idleness  an' 
rich  food  an'  adulation.  She  has  dis 
covered  that  there  are  only  three  real 
luxuries — work,  children,  motherhood 
—that  to  shirk  responsibility  is  to 
forfeit  happiness.  I  have  been  a  little 
disappointed  in  you,  Bill.  Your  fath 
er  was  a  minister;  he  had  the  love 
of  men  in  his  soul.  You  seem  to 
have  taken  to  dogs  an'  horses  with 
an  affection  almost  brotherly.  I  don't 
blame  you  so  much.  When  men  get 
132 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

rich  they  naturally  achieve  a  passion 
for  the  things  that  money  will  buy. 
They  think  they've  got  to  improve 
the  breed  o'  dogs  an'  horses,  an' 
they're  apt  to  forget  the  breed  o' 
men.  You've  been  pursuin'  Happi 
ness  with  dogs,  horses,  an'  motor-cars. 
You  never  can  catch  her  in  that  way 
— never.  Don't  you  remember,  Bill, 
that  in  the  old  days  we  didn't  pur 
sue  Happiness  ?  Why,  Happiness  pur 
sued  us  an'  generally  caught  us.  Some 
days  she  didn't  succeed  until  we  were 
all  tired  out,  an'  then  she  led  us  away 
into  the  wonderful  land  o'  dreams,  an' 
it  was  like  heaven.  You  never  get 
Happiness  by  pursuin'  her — that's 
one  dead  sure  thing.  Happiness  is 
never  captured.  She  comes  unbidden 
or  not  at  all.  She  travels  only  in  one 
path,  an'  you  haven't  found  it.  Bill, 
we've  strayed  a  little.  Let's  try  to 
133 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

locate  the  trail  o'  Happiness.  I  be 
lieve  we're  gettin'  near  it. 

" '  Last  year  a  colt  of  yours  won  a 
classic  event  of  the  turf.  How  much 
finer  it  would  be  if  you  had  some 
boys  in  training  for  the  sublime  con 
tests  of  life,  an'  it  wouldn't  cost  half 
so  much.  You  know,  there  are  plenty 
of  homeless  boys  who  need  your  help. 
Wouldn't  it  pay  better  to  develop  a 
Henry  M.  Stanley — once  a  homeless 
orphan — than  a  Salvator  or  an  Or 
monde  or  a  Rayon  d'Or  ?' 

"'Pound  away/  said  Bill.  'Nail 
an'  rivet  me  to  the  cross.  I  haven't 
a  word  to  say,  except  this:  What  in 
the  devil  do  ye  want  me  to  do?' 

"'Well,  ye  might  help  to  redeem 
New  England/  I  said.  'The  Yankee 
blood  is  runnin'  out,  an'  it's  a  pity. 
To-day  the  Yankees  are  almost  a  child 
less  race.  Do  ye  know  the  reason  ?' 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

11  He  shook  his  head. 

"'It  costs  so  much  to  live/  I  says. 
'  We  can't  afford  children.  To  begin 
with,  the  boys  an'  girls  don't  marry 
so  young.  They  can't  stand  the  ex 
pense.  They're  all  keepin'  up  with 
Lizzie,  but  on  the  wrong  road.  The 
girls  are  worse  than  the  boys.  They 
go  out  o'  the  private  school  an'  beat 
the  bush  for  a  husband.  At  first 
they  hope  to  drive  out  a  duke  or  an 
earl;  by-an'-by  they're  willin'  to  take 
a  common  millionaire;  at  last  they 
conclude  that  if  they  can't  get  a  stag 
they'll  take  a  rabbit.  Then  we  learn 
that  they're  engaged  to  a  young  man, 
an'  are  goin'  to  marry  as  soon  as  he 
can  afford  it.  He  wears  himself  out 
in  the  struggle,  an'  is  apt  to  be  a 
nervous  wreck  before  the  day  arrives. 
They  are  near  in'  or  past  thirty  when 
he  decides  that  with  economy  an'  no 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

children  they  can  afford  to  maintain 
a  home.  The  bells  ring,  the  lovely 
strains  from  "Lohengrin"  fill  the 
grand,  new  house  o'  God,  an*  overflow 
into  the  quiet  streets  o'  the  village, 
an*  we  hear  in  them  what  Wagner 
never  thought  of  —  the  joyful  death- 
march  of  a  race.  Think  of  it,  Bill, 
this  old  earth  is  growin'  too  costly 
for  the  use  o'  man.  We  prefer  autos 
an*  diamonds  an*  knick-knacks!  Life 
has  become  a  kind  of  a  circus  where 
only  the  favored  can  pay  the  price  of 
admission,  an*  here  in  America,  where 
about  all  the  great  men  we  have  had 
were  bred  in  cabins,  an'  everything 
worth  a  fish-hook  came  out  o*  pov 
erty!  You  have  it  in  your  power  to 
hasten  the  end  o'  this  wickedness/  I 
said.  'For  one  thing,  you  can  make 
the  middleman  let  go  of  our  throats 
in  this  community.  Near  here  are 
136 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

hundreds  of  acres  o'  land  goin'  to 
waste.  Buy  it  an'  make  it  produce 
— wool,  meat,  flax,  grains,  an'  vege 
tables.  Start  a  market  an'  a  small 
factory  here,  an'  satisfy  yourself  as 
to  what  is  a  just  price  for  the  neces 
saries  of  life.  If  the  tradesmen  are 
overchargin'  us,  they'll  have  to  re 
duce  prices.  Put  your  brain  an' 
money  into  it;  make  it  a  business. 
At  least,  you'll  demonstrate  what  it 
ought  to  cost  to  live  here  in  New  Eng 
land.  If  it's  so  much  that  the  aver 
age  Yankee  can't  afford  it  by  honest 
work — if  we  must  all  be  lawyers  or 
bankers  or  brokers  or  graspin'  middle 
men  in  order  to  live — let's  start  a  big 
Asylum  for  the  Upright,  an'  give  'em 
a  chance  to  die  comfortably.  But  it 
isn't  so.  I  can  raise  potatoes  right 
here  for  thirty  cents  a  bushel,  as  good 
as  those  you  pay  forty  cents  a  peck 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

for  at  Sam  Henshaw's.  You'll  set  an 
example  of  inestimable  value  in  this 
republic  of  ours.  Dan  has  begun  the 
good  work,  an'  demonstrated  that  it 
will  pay/ 

'"It's  a  good  idea — I'm  with  you/ 
he  said.  'If  we  can  get  the  boys 
an'  girls  to  marry  while  the  bloom  is 
on  the  rye,  it's  worth  while,  an'  I 
wouldn't  wonder  if  indirectly  we'd 
increase  the  crop  of  Yankees  an'  the 
yield  of  happiness  to  the  acre/ 

" '  Bill,  you're  a  good  fellow/  I  said. 
'You  only  need  to  be  reminded  of 
your  duty — you're  like  many  another 
man/ 

'"And  I'll  think  you  the  best  fel 
low  in  the  world  if  you'll  let  us  keep 
those  kids.  We  enjoy  them.  We've 
been  having  a  lot  of  fun  lately/ 

'"I  can't  do  that/  I  said,  'but  I'll 
keep  'em  here  until  we  can  get  some 
138 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

more.  There  are  thousands  of  them 
as  beautiful,  as  friendless,  as  promis 
ing  as  these  were.' 

"'I  wish  you  could  let  us  have 
these, '  he  urged.  '  We  wouldn't  adopt 
them,  probably,  but  we'd  do  our  best 
for  them — our  very  best/ 

"'I  can't,'  I  answered. 

"'Why?' 

'"  Because  they've  got  hold  of  my 
old  heart — that's  why.  I  hadn't  look 
ed  for  that,  Bill,  but  the  little  cusses 
have  conquered  me.9 

'" Great  God!'  he  exclaimed.  'I 
hadn't  thought  of  that.  And  my 
wife  told  me  this  morning  that  she 
loves  that  three  -  year  -  old  boy  as 
dearly  as  she  loves  me.  They've 
all  won  her  heart.  What  shall  I 
do?' 

"'Let  me  think  it  over,'  I  said,  an' 
shook  his  hand  an'  left,  an'  I  knew 
139 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

that  I  was  likely  to  indulge  in  the 
makin'  of  history  right  away. 

11 1  went  home  an'  sat  down  an' 
wrote  the  best  brief  of  my  career — 
an  appeal  to  the  Supreme  Court  o' 
this  planet  —  a  woman's  heart.  It 
was  a  letter  to  one  whose  name  I 
honored  although  I  had  not  written 
it  in  years. 

"Next  mornin'  I  plunged  into  a 
lawsuit  an'  was  workin'  night  an' 
day,  until  the  jury  came  in  with  a 
verdict  an'  court  adjourned  for  the 
Christmas  holidays. 

"An'  that  day  a  decision  was  hand 
ed  down  in  my  appeal  to  the  court 
of  last  resort.  It  was  a  cablegram 
from  an  Italian  city,  an*  a  verdict 
in  my  favor.  I  am  to  get  in  that 
case  the  best  fee  on  record — a  wife 
and  the  love  of  a  dear  and  beautiful 
woman.  We  went  to  school  together, 
140 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

and  I  am  ashamed  that  I  didn't  ask 
her  to  marry  me  years  ago.  So  much 
for  me  had  Lizzie  an*  the  kids  ac 
complished. 

"I  was  to  dine  with  the  Warbur- 
tons  Christmas  Eve,  and  be  Santa 
Glaus  for  the  children.  I  bought  a 
set  o'  whiskers  an*  put  on  my  big 
fur  coat  and  two  sets  o'  bells  on  the 
mare,  an*  drove  to  the  villa  with  a 
full  pack  in  the  buggy  an*  a  fuller 
heart  in  my  breast. 

"  Bill  an'  Mrs.  Bill  an'  I  went  over 
to  the  farm-house  together  with  our 
arms  full.  The  children  were  in  a 
room  up-stairs  with  Mrs.  Hammond 
waiting  for  Santa  Glaus.  Below  we 
helped  the  two  maids,  who  were  trim 
ming  the  Christmas  tree — and  a  won 
derful  tree  it  was  when  we  were  done 
with  it — why,  sir,  you'd  have  thought 
a  rainbow  was  falling  into  a  thicket 
141 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

on  the  edge  of  a  lake.  My  friend,  it 
was  the  tree  of  all  fruits. 

"  We  filled  the  little  stockings  hang 
ing  on  the  mantel.  Then  they  helped 
me  to  put  on  my  beard  an'  the  great 
coat  an'  cap  an'  the  pack  over  all,  an' 
Mrs.  Bill  an'  I  went  out  -  of  -  doors. 
We  stood  still  an'  listened  for  a  mo 
ment.  Two  baby  voices  were  calling 
out  of  an  upper  window:  'Santa 
Claus,  please  come,  Santa  ClausF 
Then  we  heard  the  window  close  an' 
the  chatter  above  stairs,  but  we  stood 
still.  Mrs.  Bill  seemed  to  be  laugh 
ing,  but  I  observed  that  her  handker 
chief  had  the  centre  of  the  stage  in 
this  little  comedy. 

"  In  half  a  minute  I  stole  down  the 
road  an'  picked  up  the  bells  that  lay 
beside  it,  an'  came  prancin'  to  the 
door  with  a  great  jingle,  an'  in  I 
went  an'  took  my  stand  by  the 
142 


THEIR      EYES      WERE      WIDE      WITH      WONDER 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

Christmas  tree.  We  could  hear  the 
hurry  of  small  feet,  an'  eager,  half- 
hushed  voices  in  the  hall  overhead. 
Then  down  the  stairway  came  my 
slender  battalion  in  the  last  scene  of 
the  siege.  Their  eyes  were  wide  with 
wonder,  their  feet  slow  with  fear. 
The  little  captain  of  three  years  ran 
straight  to  Mrs.  Bill  an'  lay  hold  of 
her  gown,  an'  partly  hid  himself  in 
its  folds,  an'  stood  peekin'  out  at 
me.  It  was  a  masterful  bit  of  strat 
egy.  I  wonder  how  he  could  have 
done  it  so  well.  She  raised  him  in 
her  arms  an*  held  him  close.  A  great 
music-box  in  a  corner  began  to  play: 

"  *  O  tannenbaum!  O  tannenbaum!  wie  grim 
sind  deine  blaetter!' 

"  Then  with  laughter  an'  merry  jests 
we  emptied  the  pack,  an'  gathered 
from  the  tree  whose  fruit   has  fed 
10  143 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

the  starving  human  heart  for  more 
than  a  thousand  years,  an*  how  it 
filled  those  friends  o'  mine! 

"  Well,  it  was  the  night  of  my  life, 
an*  when  I  turned  to  go,  its  climax 
fell  upon  me.  Mrs.  Bill  kneeled  at 
my  feet,  an*  said  with  tears  in  her 
eyes,  an*  her  lips  an*  voice  trembling: 

' '  O  Santa  Claus !   you  have  given 
me  many  things,  but  I  beg  for  more 
—five  more/ 

"The  city  had  fallen.  Its  queen 
was  on  her  knees.  The  victorious 
army  was  swarming  into  the  open 
gate  of  her  arms.  The  hosts  of  doubt 
an'  fear  were  fleeing. 

"I  refuse  to  tell  you  all  that  hap 
pened  in  the  next  minute  or  two.  A 
witness  has  some  rights  when  testify- 
in'  against  his  own  manhood. 

"  I  helped  the  woman  to  her  feet, 
an*  said: 

144 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"'They  are  yours.  I  shall  be  hap 
py  enough,  and,  anyhow,  I  do  not 
think  I  shall  need  them  now/ 

"An*  so  I  left  them  as  happy  as 
human  beings  have  any  right  to  be. 
At  last  they  had  caught  up  with 
Lizzie,  an*  I,  too,  was  in  a  fair  way 
to  overtake  her. 

"An'  how  fared  Dan  in  his  pursuit 
of  that  remarkable  maiden?  Why, 
that  very  night  Lizzie  an'  Dan  had 
been  shakin'  the  tree  o'  love,  an'  I 
guess  the  fruit  on  it  was  fairly  ripe  an' 
meller.  Next  day  they  came  up  to 
my  house  together. 

"Dan  couldn't  hold  his  happiness, 
an*  slopped  over  as  soon  as  he  was 
inside  the  door. 

"'Mr.  Potter/  says  he,  with  more 
than  Christmas  merriment,  '  we're  go 
ing  to  be  married  next  month/ 

"  Before  I  could  say  a  word  he  had 
145 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

gathered  Lizzie  up  in  his  arms  an* 
kissed  her,  an'  she  kissed  back  as 
prompt  as  if  it  had  been  a  slap  in  a 
game  o'  tag. 

'"You  silly  man/  she  says,  'you 
could  have  had  me  long  ago/ 

11 '  If  I'd  only  'a'  known  it/  he  says. 

'"Oh,  the  ignorance  o'  some  men!' 
she  says,  lookin'  into  his  eyes. 

"'It    exceeds    the    penetration    o' 
some  women/  I  says. 

'They  came  together  ag'in  quite 
spiteful.  I  separated  'em. 

"Quit/  I  says.  'Stop  pickin'  on 
each  other.  It  provokes  you  an'  me 
too.  You're  like  a  pair  o'  kids  turned 
loose  in  a  candy  store.  Behave  yer- 
selves  an'  listen  to  reason/ 

"Lizzie  turned  upon  me  as  if  she 
thought  it  was  none  o'  my  business. 
Then  she  smiled  an'  hid  her  face  on 
the  manly  breast  o'  Dan. 
146 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

"'Now  Lizzie/  I  says,  'get  yer 
mind  in  workin'  order  as  soon  as  ye 
can.  Dan,  you  go  over  an'  stand  by 
the  window.  I  want  you  to  keep  at 
least  ten  paces  apart,  an'  please  don't 
fire  'til  ye  get  the  signal.  I'm  goin' 
to  give  a  prize  for  the  simplest  wed- 
din'  that  ever  took  place  in  Point- 
view,'  I  says.  'It  will  be  five  hun 
dred  dollars  in  gold  for  the  bride. 
Don't  miss  it.' 

" '  The  marriage  will  occur  at  noon,' 
says  Lizzie.  '  There'll  be  nothing  but 
simple  morning  frocks.  The  girls  can 
wear  calico  if  they  wish.  No  jewels, 
no  laces,  no  elaborate  breakfast.' 

"An'  no  presents,  but  mine,  that 
cost  over  five  dollars  each,'  I  says. 

"An'  that's  the  way  it  was — like 

old  times.     No  hard  work  wasted  in 

gettin'  ready,  no  vanity  fair,  no  heart- 

burnin',  no  bitter  envy,  no  cussin' 

147 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

about  the  expense.  There  was  noth 
ing  but  love  an*  happiness  an*  good 
will  at  that  wedding.  It  was  just  as 
God  would  have  a  wedding,  I  fancy, 
if  He  were  the  master  o'  ceremonies, 
as  He  ought  to  be. 

"  They  are  now  settled  on  a  thou 
sand  acres  o'  land  here  in  New  Eng 
land.  Dan  has  eight  gangs  o'  human 
oxen  from  Italy  at  work  for  him 
getting  in  his  fertilizers.  He  rides  a 
horse  all  day  an*  is  as  cordy  as  a 
Roman  gladiator.  Do  you  know  what 
it  means?  Ten  thousand  like  him 
are  going  into  the  same  work,  the 
greed  o*  the  middleman  will  be  check 
ed,  an'  one  o'  these  days  the  old  earth 
'11  be  lopsided  with  the  fruitfulness  of 
America." 


VII 

IN  WHICH    THE    HONORABLE    SOCRATES 
POTTER  CATCHES  UP  WITH  LIZZIE 

EARLY  in  June  I  was  invited  to 
the  wedding  of  Miss  Betsey 
Smead  and  the  Honorable  Socrates 
Potter.  Miss  Betsey  had  inherited  a 
large  estate,  and  lived  handsomely  in 
the  Smead  homestead,  built  by  her 
grandfather.  She  was  a  woman  of 
taste  and  refinement,  but,  in  defer 
ence  to  Socrates,  no  doubt,  the  in 
vitations  had  been  printed  in  the 
office  of  the  local  newspaper.  There 
could  have  been  no  better  example 
of  honest  simplicity.  The  good  news 
sent  me  in  quest  of  my  friend  the 
149 


KEEPING   UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

lawyer.  I  found  him  in  Miss  Betsey's 
library.  He  was  in  high  spirits  and 
surrounded  by  treasures  of  art. 

"Yes,  I'm  in  luck,"  he  began. 
"  Miss  Betsey  is  a  dear  soul.  We're 
bound  to  be  happy  in  spite  of  all  this 
polished  brass  an'  plate  an'  mahog 
any.  There's  nothin'  here  that  I  can 
put  my  feet  on,  except  the  rugs  or  the 
slippery  floor  or  the  fender.  Every 
thing  has  the  appearance  o'  bein' 
more  valuable  than  I  am.  If  it  was 
mine  I'd  take  an  axe  an'  bring  things 
down  to  my  level.  I'm  kind  o' 
scairt  for  fear  I'll  sp'ile  suthin'  er 
other.  Sometimes  I  feel  as  if  I'd  like 
to  crawl  under  the  grand  pyano  an' 
git  out  o'  danger.  Now  look  at  old 
gran 'pa  Smead  in  his  gold  frame  on 
the  wall.  He's  got  me  buffaloed. 
Watches  every  move  I  make.  Betsey 
laughs  an'  tells  me  I  can  sp'ile  any- 


KEEPING   UP   WITH   LIZZIE 

thing  I  want  to,  but  gran'pa  is  ever 
remindin'  me  o'  the  ancient  law  o' 
the  Smeads  an'  the  Persians." 

"Mr.  Potter,  I  owe  so  much  to 
you,"  I  said.  "  I  want  to  make  you 
a  present — something  that  you  and 
your  wife  will  value.  I've  thought 
about  it  for  weeks.  Can  you — " 

He  interrupted  me  with  a  smile  and 
these  gently  spoken  words: 

"  Friends  who  wish  to  express  their 
good -will  in  gifts  are  requested  to 
consider  the  large  an'  elegant  stock 
o'  goods  in  the  local  ninety-nine-cent 
store.  Everything  from  socks  to  sun 
bursts  may  be  found  there.  Neck 
laces  an'  tiaras  are  not  prohibited  if 
guaranteed  to  be  real  ninety -nine- 
centers.  These  days  nobody  has 
cheap  things.  That  makes  them  rare 
an'  desirable.  All  diamonds  should 
weigh  at  least  half  a  pound.  Smaller 


KEEPING    UP   WITH    LIZZIE 

stones  are  too  common.  Everybody 
has  them,  you  know.  Why,  the  wife 
of  the  butcher's  clerk  is  payin'  fifty 
cents  a  week  on  a  solitaire.  Gold, 
silver,  an*  automobiles  will  be  politely 
but  firmly  refused — too  common,  far 
too  common !  Nothin'  is  desired  like 
ly  to  increase  envy  or  bank  loans  or 
other  forms  of  contemporaneous  crime 
in  Point  view.  We  would  especially 
avoid  increasin'  the  risk  an'  toil  of 
overworked  an*  industrious  burglars. 
They  have  enough  to  do  as  it  is— 
poor  fellows — they  hardly  get  a  night's 
rest.  Miss  Betsey's  home  has  already 
given  'em  a  lot  o'  trouble." 

His  humor  had  relieved  its  press 
ure  in  the  deep,  good-natured  chuckle 
of  the  Yankee,  as  he  strode  up  an' 
down  the  floor  with  both  hands  in  his 
trousers  pockets. 

"Look  at  that  ol'  duffer,"  he  went 
152 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

on,  as  he  pointed  at  the  stern  features 
of  grandpa  Smead.  "  Wouldn't  ye 
think  he'd  smile  now  an'  then.  May 
be  he'll  cheer  up  after  I've  lived  here 
awhile." 

He  moved  a  couple  of  chairs  to  give 
him  more  room,  an'  went  on: 

"Now,  there's  Bill  Warburton.  I 
supposed  he  was  a  friend  o'  mine,  but 
we  had  a  fight  in  school,  years  ago, 
an'  I  guess  he's  never  got  over  it. 
Anyhow,  I  caught  him  tryin'  to  slip 
an  automobile  on  me — just  caught 
him  in  time.  There  he  was  tryin'  to 
rob  me  o'  the  use  o'  my  legs  an'  about 
fifteen  hundred  a  year  for  expenses 
an'  build  me  up  into  a  fat  man  with 
indigestion  an'  liver  -  complaint.  I 
served  an  injunction  on  him. 

"Another  man  has  tried  to  make 
me  the  lifelong  slave  of  a  silver  ser 
vice.  He'd  gone  down  to  Fifth 
153 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

Avenue  an'  ordered  it,  an'  I  sup 
pose  it  would  'a'  cost  thousands. 
Tried  to  sneak  it  on  me.  Can  ye 
think  o'  anything  meaner  ?  It  would 
'a'  cost  me  a  pretty  penny  for  insur 
ance  an'  storage  the  rest  o'  my  life,  an' 
then  think  of  our — ahem — our  poor 
children!  Why,  it  would  be  as  bad 
as  a  mortgage  debt.  Every  time  I 
left  home  I  would  have  worried  about 
that  silver  service;  every  time  the 
dog  barked  at  night  I  would  have 
trembled  in  my  bed  for  the  safety  o' 
the  silver  service;  every  time  we  had 
company  I  would  have  been  afraid 
that  somebody  was  go  in'  to  scratch 
the  silver  service;  an'  when  I  saw  a 
stranger  in  town,  I  would  have  said 
to  myself:  'Ah,  ha!  it  may  be  that 
he  has  heard  of  our  silver  service  an* 
has  come  to  steal  it.'  I  would  have 
begun  to  regard  my  servants  an' 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

many  other  people  with  dread  an' 
suspicion.  Why,  once  I  knew  a  man 
who  had  a  silver  service,  an'  they 
carried  it  up  three  flights  to  the  attic 
every  night  for  fifty  years.  They 
figured  that  they'd  walked  eleven 
hundred  miles  up  an*  down  stairs 
with  the  silver  service  in  their  hands. 
The  thought  that  they  couldn't  take 
it  with  'em  hastened  an'  embittered 
their  last  days.  Then  the  heirs 
learned  that  it  wasn't  genuine  after 
all. 

"Of  course,  I  put  another  injunc 
tion  upon  that  man.  'If  we've  ever 
done  anything  to  you,  forgive  us,'  I 
said,  'but  please  do  not  cripple  us 
with  gold  or  silver.'  " 

He  stopped  and  put  his  hand  upon 
my  shoulder  and  continued: 

"My  young  friend,  if  you  would 
make  us  a  gift,  I  wish  it  might  be 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

something  that  will  give  us  pleasure 
an*  not  trouble,  something  that  money 
cannot  buy  an*  thieves  cannot  steal — 
your  love  an*  good  wishes  to  be  ours 
as  long  as  you  live  an'  we  live — at 
least.  We  shall  need  no  token  o' 
that  but  your  word  an*  conduct." 

I  assured  him  of  all  he  asked  for 
with  a  full  heart. 

"Should  I  come  dressed?"  was  my 
query. 

"  Dressed,  yes,  but  not  dressed  up," 
he  answered.  "  Neither  white  neckties 
nor  rubber  boots  will  be  required." 

" How  are  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bill?" 

"Happier  than  ever,"  said  he. 
"Incidentally  they've  learned  that 
life  isn't  all  a  joke,  for  one  of  those 
little  brownies  led  them  to  the  gate  of 
the  great  mystery  an'  they've  begun 
to  look  through  it  an'  are  wiser 
folks.  Two  other  women  are  building 
156 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

orphan  lodges  on  their  grounds,  an' 
there's  no  tellin'  where  the  good  work 
will  end." 

We  were  interrupted  by  the  en 
trance  of  Miss  Betsey  Smead.  She 
was  a  comely,  bustling,  cheerful  little 
woman  of  about  forty-five,  with  a 
playful  spirit  like  that  of  Socrates 
himself. 

"This  is  my  financee,"  said  Soc 
rates.  "  She  has  waited  for  me  twenty- 
five  years. " 

"And  he  kept  me  waiting  —  the 
wretch!  —  just  because  my  grand 
father  left  me  his  money ,"  said  Miss 
Betsey. 

"  I  shall  never  forgive  that  man," 
said  Socrates,  as  he  shook  his  fist  at 
the  portrait.  "  An'  she  was  his  only 
grandchild,  too/' 

"And  think  how  comfortable  he 
might  have  been  here,  and  how  I've 


KEEPING    UP    WITH    LIZZIE 

worried  about  him."  Miss  Betsey 
went  on:  "  Here,  Soc.,  put  your  feet 
on  this  piano  seat.  Now  you  look 
at  home." 

"When  I  achieve  the  reformation 
of  Betsey  I  shall  have  a  kitchen  table 
to  put  my  feet  on!"  said  Soc.,  as  I 
left  them. 

Then  I  decided  that  I  would  send 
him  a  kitchen  table. 


THE    END 


10 1 

lAi  17.1933 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


